Hare(s): Bag Squeezer

 Venue: THE BEAUMONT - 2020 N. Halsted (Armitage & Halsted)

 Hash Cash: Still only a mere pittance of $8 despite Microsoft withdrawing its buyout offer for Yahoo! causing the hash’s extensive portfolio of long position Yahoo! derivatives to crash & burn like Boner getting shot down by chicks in a bar.

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OMG - you can tell Summer is coming when we start hashing out of The Beaumont again!! Think lots of great pitcher and food specials and a bar with a 4am license!

Voted "BEST HASH BAR" in the 2008 elections - The Beaumont is one of the only places where the hash simply couldn’t drink all the beer from the hash cash!!

Located conveniently in the heart of the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone" it’s also convenient to public transportation which you may well need after hashing here!  

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln the Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Fullerton, Brown Line to Armitage, hoof it East on Armitage to Halsted and the bar is just around the corner. Or just walk a few blocks from home.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Western, Armitage #73 Bus East to Halsted and just North to da bar. Note the Armitage bus stops running around 8pm so you’ll need to take the Fullerton #74 bus back to Sadr City.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Armitage & Halsted. Parking is a little rough as most of the main streets are meter spots and side streets are Resident Zone 143 Permit only. Webster is a good bet as is Halsted further North. You can also park in Lincoln Park high school’s lot but make sure you’re out of there before 10pm or you’ll be cabbing it to Cabrini Green to spring your sled from Lincoln Towing.

Buffet Does Not Trump Ceremony

By The Enema Canal
Horny Planet

Hashed Cinco de Mayo 2008, 7:00 PM
Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple) at 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave.

CHICAGO #1543 – Despite the actual date of the Polish Constitution Day being 2 days earlier, Polonian pride was still overflowing and ready for a little run. Virgin Banger and our well mustachioed 69-Cent Man were responsible for laying the scenic trails throughout. Due to the nature of the establishment that we were to have the On-In in, it was decided that we would all stand in front of the Red Apple like the remnants of a poorly planned Polish pride parade. As evidence of the poor planning 3 X A Lady and Just Amanda showed up in red but non-Polish attire and I Like Dick forgot that China is not even on the same continent as Poland. This contrasted with Chicken Stiffer who wore the Polish flag like a cape and Just Brian with his “Kiss Me, I’m Polish” shirt.

After a brief, actually let’s make that long since we had to go through over 30 names, introduction we finally got on our way heading Northwest (or was it Southeast?) Regardless, the usual cast of FRBs, Uploader and The Great Lochness Cockster, were leading around the pack with a gaggle of hopelessly confused virgins; Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert. Once we wandered away from Milwaukee and started running through some of the more residential areas, Uploader and The Enema Canal started to figure out the hares’ tricks and started running on opposite sides of the streets to catch the Back Checks early.

All was well until we came upon a check that got the pack lost for a good while. At first the pack decided to go left and was unable to find a third mark, then they did a 180 and went down the other way to find 2 marks. On the way back we picked up Bloody Thighs and found the true trail which lead us just around a couple of corner to the Beer Stop. Gathered on the front porch we all helped finish the cans of Okocim and pose for the Polish version of It’s Too Soft with his digital Fujifilm disposable camera (can’t wait for the pictures). Before leaving we were told of another photo op just down the trail. About this time we finally picked up R-Tard-E, Cums On I Lean, and Just I Lean who happened to just show up.
Our next photo op took us near the house filmed in “Stir of Echoes” starring Kevin Bacon. This of course now means we are now 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (If we were in the movie we would be moved up to 1 degree of separation). It also means we are famous (if you don’t believe me, then why are we in the Redeye, hmmmm?) However, we have no photographic proof that any of us passed by the house, what we do have is a picture in front of the doors of the Saint Hyacinth Basilica (4 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon). With the Fujifilm disposable reaching its memory card capacity, we all headed back to the Red Apple to kill the keg.

Inside the Red Apple, Just Tim and I Like Dick lost their minds and decided that they were too hungry to wait for the circle. As Dick said “I just thought with the buffett…….blah blah blah.” Get in the circle. Just Steve showed up a bit later because he was helped by his physical training program which means he’s cheating on us. A little later he was followed by EZ On The Ass who showed up for the wrong holiday who was wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache. I mention again that everyone’s facial hair paled in comparison to 69-Cent Man’s mustache, who will likely win at the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships in Alaska. We also welcomed many virgins but the most memorable one was none other than Just Allison who answered Calvin’s question of “favorite barnyard animal?” was none other than “To eat or to ride?” Before the evening was over, It’s Too Soft showed up to help kill the keg by 10PM.

HARES (2): 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger

VIRGIN TERRITORY (5): Just Allison, Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert

VISITOR (1): More Tail Boston H3

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (33): Just Brian, Just Rob, Uploader, 3 X A Lady , The Enema Canal, Puke Suit Riot, Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Joan, Just Mark , Just Angelle, Two Tickets To A Pair Of Thighs, 867-5309, Bag Squeezer, Just Tim, Calvin Klein, Takes Too Long To Cum, Rent A Virgin, Menage A Twat, No Penetration, The Great Lochness Cockster, Just Art, Just Joe, Risky Business, Sir Poops A Lot, Back Door Out Switch, Just Amanda, I Like Dick, Bloody Thighs, Polish Reporter, Wrapper Snatcher,and Lower Whackoff

THE LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, and R-Tard-E

THE REALLY LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): EZ On The Ass, Just Steve, and It’s Too Soft

Call it a wild guess but I think these hashers are having fun! Left to right is Enema Canal, our fearless Just Amanda and next week’s hare Bag Squeezer! How ’bout that for an all-star lineup!

Hare(s): $.69 Man & Virgin Banger
Venue: Czerwone Jabluszko (AKA Red Apple), 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave., Chicago, 60618.  The parking lot in the back is very small, so plan on street parking.
Hash Cash: $12, includes more Okocim beer than you can shake a stick at and the restaurant’s wonderful Polish buffet. Out at 7pm SHARPBEER: Keg of Okocim beer, as usual, will be provided by the Stanley Stawski Distributing Co., www.stawskidistributing.com .  Just remember that Okocim has a high alcohol content, so if you guzzle this like Miller Lite or water, you will get drunk.
 
DRESS: Wear an Okocim, or other Polish shirt (provided that it is not from a non-Stawski Polish beer).  Perhaps we will get more shirts this year.

Trivia time-out:  if you are on the south side of George St., the first house east of St. Hyacinth Basilica (with the large statue of Pope JP2), is the one used in the movie "Stir of Echoes."

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Belmont, Belmont #77 bus to Hamlin (just before Milwaukee) hoof it South on Hamlin to Milwaukee and turn left (SE) about 1/2 block to da bar.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Belmont. Cut 1/2 block South to Barry and either hoof it like six blocks West to Milwaukee or hop the aforementioned Belmont #77 bus to Hamlin, as described above, if you’re in a lazy kinda mood.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to just SE of Belmont & Milwaukee. Parking is ludicrously plentiful in Avondale and you may even be able to score a space in the restaurant’s lot out back. As Milwaukee is a diagonal street, the lot is kinda oddly-shaped in a sorta trapezoidal way.

 
Hare(s): Chicago Police Memorial Foundation
Venue: Gold Star Family Memorial and Park - 1410 S Museum Campus Dr, Chicago, IL 60605
(Just East and South of Soldier Field) 
Cost: 5K run/walk $27.50 until March 15th, $30 until April 30th, $35 race day Register online here

 This is not a hash but the hash has a long tradition of supporting this event since its inception, and although the new Commissioner won’t allow the traditional beer/refreshment stop on the course, hashers will be running, volunteering and of course, postpartying afterwards at Stanley’s at 325 S. Racine. For more info on the web click here.

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Roosevelt. Hoof it about five blocks South and East past the Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum and Soldier field and proceed South on the walking path by Burnham harbor until you see a lot of people.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Jackson, Red Line to Roosevelt, the follow the directions, above.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Soldier Field. Complimentary parking is available at the Soldier Field Waldron Deck, exit Lake Shore Drive at 18th St. and follow the signs.

 

Hash Trash: 4/27/08
Hares: Its Too Soft and Lifa
Venue: Party Central 933 W. Wolfram

HASHERS- Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Just Steve, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale, Just Jody, Just Amanda, Cobwebs in the Bush, Virtually Hung, Stupid Man, Milk My YAK, Barks on All Fours, Mouthful of Meat, I Like Dick, Mount Me Puh’lzee, Mount Schwiiinga, Bag Squeezer, and Three Dogs (Not an actual name)
VIRGINS= 0
VISTORS= 0
TOTAL HASHERS= 33

It was the last Sunday Hash of the season and the kennel showed up in force, testing the capacity of IT’S TOO SOFT’s skydeck. MILK MY YAK was operating, I believe, the only keg winch in Midwest existence. With the keg situated in its new home, the pack headed down to the alley for Chalk Talk. Our hares were none other than IT’S TOO SOFT and LIFA. With the talk and the introductions complete, the pack took off with I LIKE DICK, JUST JODY, and THE ENEMA CANAL in the lead.

In a series of bizarre events, I LIKE DICK attempted a coup but forgot to secure support from the people for his “revoluccion.” Once the Coalition had taken back control, the accused was forced on his knees for his grievous violation and forced to drink. For all those that thought drinking out of new shoes was just an urban legend; JUST TIM and I LIKE DICK ignored the warnings and drank from their Asics-flavored vessels.

And the award for creepiest, most sleep preventing event was none other than HORN-E sticking his tongue in JUST AMANDA’s ear. So that it’s not the last thought in your mind, afterwards the circle was dissolved, SUPER STUFFER became our Iron Chef manning the grill station, and there was much inebriated socialism. Also when you see R-TARD-E and JUST I LEAN make sure you congratulate them on their elopement to Puerta Vallerta.

THE ENEMA CANAL
Hashspace Whore

Click here 4 GPS Map of da trail!

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Hare(s): It’s Too Soft & Lifa
Venue: Party Central Skydeck- 933 W. Wolfram, rooftop
 Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite all of Fuji’s Bear Stearns stock going from $188/share to $10/share in less than a year. Kinda reminds ya of Enron. Includes keg & cookout at the on-in. PoP 8 "The Ocho" Regos will be available or click here for the PoP 8 Homepage.

Cubs will have been playing for almost a month now and the Chicago Hash House Harriers celebrates the arrival of "Summer" as we ring in the cutover to Monday nights at our last Sunday afternoon hash until October 2008! If but nothing else catch the infamous Party Central Keg Hoist in action for the first time in ‘08!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Fullerton, Brown Line to the recently re-opened Diversey stop (woo-hoo!!!), hoof it 1/2 block North up Sheffield and right (East) into the alley before Wolfram. Cross under the L tracks and into the first driveway to your left after the big fenced parking lot next to the tracks. Go up the back porch stairs to the Skydeck.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Logan Square. Hoof it a couplea blocks North to Diversey and take the Diversey #76 bus East to Sheffield.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Diversey & Sheffield. Side streets are resident zone permit after 6pm so best bet is Sheffield South of Diversey or Diversey West of Sheffield. Many meters in this ’hood are 9pm or Sunday check your meter before parking your precious sled.

www.megabus.com/us/ Hare(s): Virgin Banger, Smell This, Calvin Klein, Peterbilt, and Rent a Virgin
Venue: Claddagh Ring - 2306 W. Foster (Western Brown Line Stop) 773-271-5551
Hash Cash: $15 this will get you great food and lots of Beer Maybe a t-shirt??

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 Kick off Summer 2008 the right way with the 4th Annual Memorial Day Hash ending at the Virgins’ casa, recently renovated following a burst pipe last winter so lotsa new stuff. Expect the full blown Memorial Day party at the on-in including several kegs of GOOD BEER, tons of great food and party games to keep those whose Ritalin perscriptions have run out entertained!!

A – B run. The B will be at CASA DE VIRGIN BANGER and RENTA VIRGIN.

This classic kickoff to the Summer hashing season drew over 70 hashers last year!

Hash Hotels:
Days Inn Lincoln Park (~$100/night) 
Arlington House (~$50/60/night)

Also a few hashers have offered up some Crash space so lease e-mail me if you wish to go this route http://www.megabus.com/us/   For visitors who wish to travel for cheap.

Hop into your hooptie whist increasing your already substantial carbon footprint and cruise to Foster & Oakley. Meters on Foster may be open as it’s Sunday, otherwise check side streets for Zone permit restrictions.

Megabus
Catch your favorite rolling bar to the Windy City and Union Station. Try to arrive by 11am. Walk three blocks East across the river to the Quincy L Stop. Brown line runs counterclockwise through the Loop so stay on the platform closest to the river. Take Brown Line to Western. Hoof it a few blocks North to Foster and East to Oakley and the bar.

 

Here’s a pic of some of the pack expressing their "appreciation" for the infamous "You’ve Just Been R Tard E’d check back 54" with lots of one-finger salutes. CHECK BACK 54?!?!? People have gotten their asses kicked for less than that. More Fujirazzi pix are now up on the website.

Hash Trash: 4/20/08
Hares: Cums On I Lean, R-Tard-E
Venue: Bridgeport Inn –> Chez I Lean
VIRGINS: Just Jody
VISITORS:
HASHER- Chicken Stiffer, Just I Lean, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Its Too Soft, Just Steve, KGB, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Giddy Up, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Happy Ass Grabber, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Are They Real, EZ On The Ass, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale
VIRGINS= 1
VISTORS= 0
TOTAL HASHERS= 30

It’s not often the pack leaves the relative safety of the “Green Zone,” but with the change of weather it was decided to make our presence known in the SouthSide province of Bridgeport. Scouting out our trail was none other than R-TARD-E and CUMS ON I LEAN. At the chalk talk, we were told that this would be no ordinary trail as we would have not only the choice of ”Eagle” or “Turkey” but would also be presented with an “Option A” and an “Option B.” As usual, the trail began across the street and the pack was off with CHIP-N-DALE leading the way.

Crossing under the I-55 Stevie we came upon our first indication that this was indeed going to be an interesting trail. With an arrow pointing into a fenced-in yard, THE ENEMA CANAL took one look at the building and opened the gate and crossed the yard with WRAPPER SNATCHER, JUST JODY, and HAPPY ASS GRABBER right behind. Unfortunately the other gate was locked and the owner (squatter) came out looking at us all perplexed as we exited the yard.

While HAPPY ASS GRABBER was busy scaling the fence, JUST BRIAN and EZ ON THE ASS were already up the stairs and leading the pack along the railway. It wasn’t until the entire pack was already up on the tracks that we realized that we had fallen for a false trail. After some time, the pack picked up on the trail and began to lead us south of Archer Ave. After some time we came upon the Beer Stop only to find that our Hares were late. As we stood there plotting mutiny, R-TARD-E, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SUPER STUFFER showed up with our long awaited beer.

We have no idea how we ended up on the Eagle but after about 10 minutes we came upon a Back Check 54! Dumbfounded some of the pack like JUST TIM, GIDDY UP and STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM posed for one finger salutes while CHICKEN STIFFER was off looking for a shortcut. Arriving back at the Beer Stop, the pack led by CHIP-N-DALE and our virgin JUST JODY was busy getting to “Option A” and “Option B.” They took “Option A” which pissed off one of the nicest ladies we ever met hashing. She and CALVIN KLEIN engaged in metaphysical conversation while the rest of us decided to go with “Option B.”

At the On-In at Chez Cums on I Lean we enjoyed chips and smores prior to holding the circle. JUST JOAN showed up out of nowhere and BELLA the Malti-Lick-Poo (It’s a Maltese/Hasher/ Poodle mix) made a return appearance. Hash Hymnals were passed around and JUST BRIAN received his whistle for his 10th CH3 run. Our DFL was ARE THEY REAL after arriving when the circle was already halfway done. For his disruptive behavior, HAPPY ASS GRABBER was made an example of, forced to assume the position. LIFA was asked in his infinite experience to demonstrate Down Downs for our virgin. Certain members of the pack were unaccounted for but EZ ON THE ASS and MUD SUCKER are sure to show once again. After the closing of the circle many of us went to preview the site of next hash which we have been assured will be ready for the opening ceremonies, just like in Beijing.

THE ENEMA CANAL
Freelance Hasher

________

Hare(s): R Tard E & Cums on I Lean
Venue: Bridgeport Inn - 2901 S. Archer Ave. @ Loomis (New Hash Bar!!!)
Hash Cash: Only $8 despite a global spike in grain prices driven by a combination of demand for biofuels and a shift in developing markets towards increased meat consumption.

 Join us in the South Side as the hash explores a new bar in scenic Bridgeport. Sox are in Tampa Bay so there shouldn’t be any traffic/parking issues. Liquor Store Weather Cat says Sunny & 63 degrees!

Update 4/18 - Despite this morning’s Magnitude 5.2 earthquake - "Big One of 2008", CH3 Mismanagement would like to assure everyone that Sunday’s hash will proceed as scheduled presuming the fires are put out and power is restored by ComEd South of 26th St.

Who knows with all the looting we may be able to score some 30 packs of Carling Black Label for the beer check! Speaking of which, canned goods (Miller, Bud, Old Style, Blatz, etc) will be collected at Sunday’s hash for disaster relief.

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview "The Green Zone": Red Line to Fullerton. Brown Line to anywhere ini the Loop and transfer to Orange Line Midway (doesn’t matter which station b/c they run opposite directions and enter/exit on opposite ends so you will have to do the whole Loop one way or the other). Orange Line to Halsted, hoof it about 1/2 mile SW on Archer to Loomis. Loo-o-phobic Bus-o-philes can also take Halsted 8 down to Archer, given three track and slow zone L construction this may be the safer bet.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Clark/Lake. Orange Line to Halsted, hoof it about 1/2 mile SW on Archer to Loomis. Bus-o-philes can also catch the Halsted 8 off the Milwaukee/Grand Blue Line stop to Archer.

Driving  
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to the corner of Archer & Loomis. Best expressway option is Stevenson to Damen and the go NE on Damen to Loomis. I believe this area is mainly industrial so it should be relatively desolate on a Sunday and parking should be as common of a sight as the Sunday Morning "Walk of Shame" is in Lincoln Park.

If you hare allergic to expressways you can also shoot down Halsted to Archer and hoof it half mile to Loomis.

 

 Hare(s): Just I Lean & R-Tard-E

 Venue: TBA

 Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to .
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to .

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to .

 

 Hare(s): Super Stuff’her

 Venue: TBA

 Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to .
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to .

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to .

 

 Hare(s): TBA

 Venue: TBA

 Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to .
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to .

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to .

 
 Hare(s): TBA

 Venue: TBA

 Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to .
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to .

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to .