Chicago Hash House Harriers

 
Hash Trash - Chicago #1528
By It’s Too Soft - Hare and Chicken Stiffer - GM
Sunday, January 20, 2007
Venue: The Spot - 4437 N. Broadway

Here’s a picture of our hare all decked out in full Packer regalia. That’s what working in Wisconsin for many years will get ya!

HASHERS- Just Rob, Just I LEAN, Just Jonathon, Super Stuffer, Magnetic Muff, Are They Real, Just Matt, Shave My Wife Please, Just Alex, Virtually Hung, Chicken Stiffer, Just Mike, Calvin Klein,  Up Loader
VIRGINS= 0, VISTORS=0, TOTAL HASHERS= 16

The word for the day was bitter. Bitter cold (11 degrees ambient at chalk talk, negative double digits wind chill) and a heartbreaking Packer loss at Lambeau last Sunday. Just three hashes into the 2008 season It’s Too Soft is already front-runner in the race for Worst Trail of 2008 thus proving without a shadow of a doubt that even a weather-shortend trail can still be a very sh!tty trail. As my friend "The Mess" in the Hoosier H3 put it about this weekend’s weather, "Hashes are not cancelled for war or weather…"

All started off well for the hash as the bar, The Spot provided each hasher two free Bitburger beers and $2 drafts for the hash. After a fast chalk talk, the weather-impacted pack led by front runners Virtually Hung and Calvin Klein headed North up the alley behind the bar eventually found themselves in a classic Fuji figure eight centered around the intersection of Clarendon and Sheridan. At that point what could go wrong went wrong as Virtual, Just I Lean and pretty much the rest of the pack except for Calvin and Just Jonathan (probably pissed about the figure eight in subzero weather) started ranging and picked up the on-in trail by Weiss Memorial Hospital which became a defacto inadvertent Turkey/Eagle split where 3/4 of the pack shortcutted 1/3 of the trail in the park. However given the bone-chilling 15 below zero wind chills that day, for some odd reason many hashers didn’t seem to mind missing some trail.

Now the real trail went into Clarendon Park and under Lakeshore Drive at Montrose into Montrose Beach park and to the top of that huge mound where there was a check. A very nasty check as you pretty much had to run all around the base of the Mound find trail and now there were only three hashers to try and solve checks designed for the full pack. From there it went North to the parking lot by the skate park where there was another check which led back under Lakeshore Drive via Wilson Avenue, eventually heading West on Wilson to the Aragon Ballroom where there was a gratuitous check (mark but nowhere to go except continue on Wilson to Broadway where there was the last check in front of the Green Mill, and then back to the bar.

Once back at the bar, the hare was administered a veritable tsunami of down downs for what will likely be remembered as the Worst Trail of 2008 and probably cementing his lock on the 2007 Worst Trail award too as the aftershocks from this debacle spillover Katrina-like into the 2007 balloting.

The $2 drafts were Leinie’s Red in full pint glasses so special dispensation was granted for down downs so you only had to drink part of your pint. Runners included Super Stuff’her, Magnetic Muff, Uploader, Just Rob, as well as Are They Real who was the only smart person there and stayed in the bar instead of running extrememly cold crappy trail. We were later joined by GM Chicken Stiffer just back from some Cinci thing and Just Alex as well a few others.

After the hash crime down downs were administered the pack set to seeing how many pints we could consume before our special ended and I think we put away at least 40 in the last hour or so before the game. Just before game time Just Jonathan was named something I don’t recall and at the end of the game Calvin caught up on his beaty sleep as the Giants rallied to win it in OT over our Green Bay Packers. The ghost of Vince Lombardi is probably at this very moment repeatedly sticking a large hat pin into an It’s Too Soft voodoo doll because the amount of bad karma reeking into the upper atmosphere from Sunday’s trail probably rained down on Lambeau Field, contributing to the Packers loss later that day.

Now the Pack ain’t in it but still our thoughts turn to the big dance, Super Bowl XLII when will also have our annual Super Bowl hash, unlike the NFL we haven’t worked out yet where or by whom. Stay tuned as there’s talk of a post-hash Super Bowl commercial watching party which is likely to be frequently interrupted by a some sort of game involving very large men running into each other at unsafe velocities and among other things, a strange-looking ball about the size of your average house cat.

Despite the outcome of the game and Category Five bad trail earlier, the day was not a total loss as we now have a new hash bar where the owner and staff finds that hash very entertaining, in Uptown of all places called The Spot. Hells bells, one out of three ain’t so bad.

Party on on,

It’s Too Soft
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
Chicago HHH

_______

Addendum from on-in by Chicken Stiffer - GM

ITS TOO SOFT laid trail from the SPOT a Packer bar and he even got them to throw in two free beers for each hasher plus $2 pints until 4 pm??   That makes 5 x 16 = 60 ounces of beer per hasher today!!!  Or one pitcher per hasher!!!  Nice job with the bar!!  I arrived late in from Cincy where I really saw true shaggy not like the flat lands of the Illinois woods but trails where you had to climb down 100 ft into a creek and climb ¼ mile thru a drainage ditch under I-75, Mt. Airy Forest is one hell of a place to have a hash.  Because I arrived late I did not run trail but I heard that SUPER STUFFER was an overachiever today racing people up the Montrose Harbor Hill.  It also sounds like JUST JONATHON may have circled around the bar and ran back in?  Is this true?  What ever happened it sounds like the pack had some fun on the traditional shitty trail laid by ITS TOO SOFT. 

I got into the bar and CALVIN was running the circle but must have been drunk.  He stared directly at our Madison transplant UPLOADER and asked him what his name was?  If you know Madison H3 they all have blue Jackets with their hash names on their heart.  Good job CALVIN!!!  JUST ROB was not far behind in Donnie land by wearing his hat during his down down!!!  JUST I LEAN was called out for competitive behavior because he was trying to trip fellow hashers to get into the lead?  ARE THEY REAL stumbled all over the bar because she drank her 60 oz. of beer and proceeded to drink mine as well?   MAGNETIC MUFF didn’t have her muffs so she drank and JUST MIKE learned never order food in a circle the RA will call you into the circle and the Pack will eat your food.  VIRTUAL HUNG now has made two hashes in a row and is eagerly anticipating haring the CHINESE NEW YEAR HASH  Feb. 10th.   

Eventually the circle closed but was re-opened for a naming.   After listening to various suggestions JUST JONATHON will be known as “R-TARD-E.  Next week we will be at JOE’s on WEED for CALVIN’s birthday and JUST ROB’s birthday.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

_________________________

Hare(s): The Replacement Hare - It’s Too Soft
Venue: The Spot - 4437. N Broadway (Just North of Montrose and East of the Wilson Red Line Stop) NEW HASH BAR!!
 Hash Cash: $6 or $5.69 in pre-1982 100% copper pennies

NOTE ON OUT WILL BE AT 2:15PM SHARP!

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We have setup TWO FREE DRAFTS PER HASHER, then $2 domestic drafts and $4 import drafts for the hash from 2-4pm, and $3 Miller Lite bottles (buckets of five for $15 after that if you elect to stay for the game. Hash cash will buy domestic drafts until it runs out (the bar doesn’t have pitchers).

Because of the early specials window due to the game (as well as the cold weather), we will leave at 2:15 sharp!

Because the weather will be colder than Stalingrad on Sunday the trail will be mercifully short (the hare does not want to do it twice in 15 degree weather!) so we’ll be back at the bar very expeditiously.

This is a Green Bay Packer bar the place will fill up with Packer fans after the hash and those who stay for the game will have prime seats because we got there so early. A bunch of us were there last Saturday and it was the most fun place in Chicago to catch a Packer game, let alone the NFC Championship game. Kickoff is 5:30pm

As the dude who originally claimed this Sunday seems to have vanished and alot of the usual suspects are out of town, next in line down the Mismanagement food chain - It’s Too Soft will be pinch-haring for Chicago #1528 out of The Spot on Broadway in Uptown. 

The New England Patriots kickoff @ the same time as the hash but rest assured we’ll be back in time to see the Chargers ousted from the playoffs like the Shah of Iran. Packers take the Giants to the shed after that in a game already being compared to the infamous Ice Bowl. And if you think that trail’s gonna be cold just look on the bright side - at least you’re not in Lambeau Field!  Go Pack!

Desperate times call 4 desperate measures. Pls don’t quote me on dat…

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Wilson, hoof it a block or so East to Broadway and then Southeast on Broadway 3-1/2 blocks to the bar which is on the East side of Broadway.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Montrose, take the Montrose #78 Bus West to Broadway, bar is 1/2 block North on the East side of Broadway.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie while doing your part to transfer our sovereign wealth to countries that don’t particularly like us and cruise to the intersection of Broadway & Montrose. Parking is as plentiful as blaze orange will be at Lambeau Field on Sunday, but no guarantees your sled will be there when you get back as it is UPTOWN, not Lincoln Park.

The word for the day was bitter. Bitter cold (11 degrees ambient at chalk talk, negative double digits wind chill) and a heartbreaking Packer loss at Lambeau last Sunday. Just three hashes into the 2008 season It’s Too Soft is already front-runner in the race for for Worst Trail of 2008 thus proving without a shadow of a doubt that even a weather-shortend trail can still be a very sh!tty trail.

All started off well for the hash as the bar, The Spot provided each hasher two free Bitburger beers and $2 drafts for the hash. After a fast chalk talk, the weather-impacted pack led by front runners Virtually Hung and Calvin Klein headed North up the alley behind the bar eventually found themselves in a classic Fuji figure eight centered around the intersection of Clarendon and Sheridan. At that point what could go wrong went wrong as Virtual, Just I Lean and pretty much the rest of the pack except for Calvin and Just Jonathan (probably pissed about the figure eight ins subzero weather) started ranging and picked up the on-in trail by Weiss Memorial Hospital which became a defacto inadvertent Turkey/Eagle split where 3/4 of the pack shortcutted 1/3 of the trail in the park. However given the bone-chilling 20 below zero wind chills that day, for some odd reason many hashers didn’t seem to mind missing some trail.

Now the real trail went into Clarendon park and the under Lakeshore Drive at Montrose into Montrose Beach park and to the top of that huge mound where there was a check. A very nasty check as you pretty much had to run all around the base of the Mound find trail and now there were only three hashers to try and solve checks designed for the full pack. From there it went North to the parking lot by the skate park where there was another check which led back under Lakeshore Drive via Wilson Avenue, eventually heading West on Wilson to the Aragon Ballroom where there was a gratuitous check (mark but nowhere to go except continue on Wilson to Broadway where there was the last check in front of the Green Mill, and then back to the bar.

Once back at the bar, the hare was administered a veritable tsunami of down downs for what will likely be remembered as the Worst Trail of 2008 and probably cementing his lock on the 2007 Worst Trail award too as the aftershocks from this debacle spillover Katrina-like into the 2007 balloting.

The $2 drafts were Leinie’s Red in full pint glasses so special dispensation was granted for down downs so you only had to drink part of your pint. Runners included Super Stuff’her, Magnetic Muff, Uploader, Just Rob, as well as Are They Real who was the only smart person there and stayed in the bar instead of running extrememly cold crappy trail. We were later joined by GM Chicken Stiffer just back from some Cinci thing and Just Alex as well a few others.

After the hash crime down downs were administered the pack set to seeing how many pints we could consume before our special ended and I think we put away at least 50 in the last hour or so before the game. Just before game time Just Jonathan was named something I don’t recall and at the end of the game Calvin caught up on his beaty sleep as the Giants rallied to win it in OT over our Green Bay Packers. The ghost of Vince Lombardi is probably at this very moment repeatedly sticking a large hat pin into an It’s Too Soft voodoo doll because the amount of bad karma reeking into the upper atmosphere from Sunday’s trail probably rained down on Lambeau Field, contributing to the Packer’s loss later that day.

Now the Pack ain’t in it but still our thoughts turn to the big dance, Super Bowl XLII when will also have our annual Super Bowl hash, unlike the NFL we haven’t worked out yet where or by whom. Stay tuned as there’s talk of a post-hash Super Bowl commercial watching party which is likely to be frequently interrupted by a some sort of game involving very large men running into each other at unsafe velocities and among other things, a strange-looking ball.

Despite the outcome of the game and Category Five Bad Trail earlier, the day was not a total loss as we now have a new hash bar where the owner and staff finds that hash very entertaining, in Uptown of all places called The Spot. Heck, one ouf of three ain’t bad.

Party on on,

It’s Too Soft
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
Chicago HHH