Boner, Lifa, and I meet up with Nickelback and Hoof N Mouth from the INDYSCENT hash in Cincinnati this past weekend to Hash and Watch the Cubs!! I am happy to report that the trail Chicago set Saturday afternoon was met with the obligatory shitty trail comments so I think it was a success? Boner and I left on Megabus at 2:30 pm from Union Station Friday and after a sweatbox of a trip due to a faulty air-conditioner, we were picked up by Sin City hashers, Serving Seamen and Unalicker and guided to the pub-crawl. I called four girls that I knew were going to be down from Chicago and persuaded them to leave their hotel room and join us for the crawl. When they arrived at said crawl there was much rejoicing from Boner and John Wayne Hobbit. Boner proceeded to use his rub the back move and it seemed to work again because later in the evening I couldn't tell where Boners face ended and the young ladies face began. After the crawl was over and the Cubs had lost the game Friday we went to Hot Tub Sluts place which had a pool on the roof. Horny Again and her boy toy Just Tom were already in the pool half naked. The rest including the four young ladies were working up their courage to join them in the pool when disaster struck the hash. Humpback, the GM from Lexington visiting with Dances with Mules from Kentucky was walking near the edge of the pool when one of the young ladies gave him a nudge that knocked him into the pool. He emerged soaking wet and said, "YOU F*CKING BITCH MY CELL PHONE WAS IN MY BACK POCKET!!" I can still see this happening in slow motion in my own mind because immediately after this incident the four young ladies circled up and decided to barricade themselves at their hotel for the evening leaving the pool count at 7 men and one spoken for woman. Five minutes later I got a call from Peterbilt asking is anything wrong because he had felt a disturbance in the Hash Force. I looked skyward and said, "BONER HAS BEEN COCKED BLOCKED AGAIN!!!" Needless to say if and when Humpback comes to visit us he will be known in Chicago as Cockblock. With profound disappointment the party died down and most sought refuge in Hot Tub Sluts place for a needed rest.

The next day came quickly and after Hot Tub cooked us a nice breakfast I got a call from Lifa saying he was ten minutes away. He arrived and we went again to the pool deck with a cooler full of beer and began to lighten Lifa's load. Fluffer called and he picked me up an hour later and we went out to scout trail for the Hash at 3 pm. We found what he believed to be virgin territory along Mill Creek west of downtown. The trail ran through an industrial area and over, under, and across what we thought were abandoned railroad tracks, which proved to be false when a freight train came roaring through later. We even put the beer stop on top of a rock pile about 100 ft in the air. Quarter barrel has the embedded stones in his ass to prove it. This was a live trail and we took off with Serving Seamen as well and proceeded to lay an acceptable trail. We got back to Sluts place and ran circle for about 1 hour. Blue seemed to keep everyone in beer and the RA, Vomit Dog? ran a great circle. The hares drank many times and punishment was doled out. It was 6:30 pm and Boner, Lifa, and I took of for the ballpark but not before we stopped for a Nathan's Hot Dog on the street corner. We were treated to a CUBS spanking of the Reds with Derek Lee, and Fonzie hitting a two and three run homers. The final score was 8-1 Cubs. We must have had 35 hashers at the game and smaller Hashers were seen body surfing the crowd. Fluffer played the part of Boner tonight and picked up some pretty young thing at the game. After the game we ended up at Rock Bottom Brewery with Nickel Back and Hoof N Mouth for food and then on back to Sluts place for more beer. I don't remember much more than this but the next day Boner and I were on the Megabus at 10 am and during the trip he fell asleep on someone's Double Cheeseburger. THANKS GOES OUT TO SLUT AND UNA FOR A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3- GM

Our hares were Assflac and Pardon My Flaps. I hate to admit it, but this was a pretty good trail. Damn, did I say that. Good beer stop with Killians. All right, the light beer at the finish sucked, but the Jameson's babes were good.     

We had eighteen hounds, good. We took off west, then north as this trail wound around the local area. We finally headed up Milwaukee, over the expressway and to a Back Check. I saw that one cuming. I found the trail heading east to Halsted and a Check. After spinning our wheels for a bit, Grateful Dick found the trail and we crossed back over the expressway and headed east. After some construction, and confusion, I think it was Happy Ass Grabber who found the trail to another Check at some tracks. Smell This and I were heading south on tracks when the trail was found heading east over the river. Here the hares managed to jack us around a bit before Man O'Whore found some trail heading south and further east to Orleans. Here we had another check and Or G and I followed Man O'Whore south and west. After some hidden marks, I found trail heading east and up some steps and south towards the river. We were led around the Holiday Inn and down to the lower level. The trail headed back towards Orleans. Now I'm smart and I spot this big loop and I head towards the steps from the lower level and I bring a bunch of SCBs with me. But at the steps, we couldn't find marks. Suddenly as others arrive at the steps from below, they spot another Back Check. Damn. I wasn't so smart after all. I heard the smart ass hare saying it worked perfectly. And it did, It suckered us all. From here the trail went back across the river and to a shot stop. I missed it as I missed the SS mark. I was on the other side of the street and I ended up in a big ass, dumb ass loop. I eventually caught up to the back of the pack and we headed towards Lake. The trail headed east and apparently to a Check at Wacker and Lake. But by then I saw the pack cuming back across the river on Randolph. And there was a short cut. Just like that, I was back near the front. They were running in two directions and I spotted a mark. But it didn't go anywhere. I ran West, I ran South, I ran East, I ran back on trail. I finally found the Check I missed. Everybody else knew they were at a check, but you know how everybody yells out. By now, everyone was long gone and I had to find the trail alone. Not to bad and the splits were marked. Sometimes. I finally ran across some tracks and there they all were at the beer stop. Assflac came forth with a Killians and all was good. From here it was a short two blocks back to the bar where we took over the second floor.     

Happy Ass Grabber led us in our circle. We were mostly in control except when Lempy Does Men from Dallas was shouting out. We had another visitor, Just Lori from Hawaii. We had one virgin. Now this guy is a keeper. He had a T-Shirt from a Testicle Festival. Not a hash shirt, but not bad. When we got to the Down Down portion of his song, we walked over to the wall, shoved someone aside, put his glass on the floor, did a hand stand against the wall, picked up his glass and drank it upside down. Well, done. Who else was there? Princess Labia, Mount Schwinga, Ernest Cumingway, Just Mary, Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs, Flying Hooters, Just Tiffany, Just Mike, and Just Christine. We were later joined by two groupies, Chip 'N Dale and Peterbilt.         The Tale of the Trail The Bushman Hash, Forest Glen Woods 04/21/07 by Or-G as edited by Horn-E. Actually, Or G, I only had one minor correction. It is the Big Dog Earth Day next week. I just came up with the idea last year and gave it to Rear Loader, the Big Dog himself. 
   

They’re Real and they’re Spectacular!  The blanket of flowers that covered the floor the forest floor were beyond description. There were literally millions of tiny yellow flowers. I just hope that they are still there for the Bushman (BIG DOG) Earth Day Hash next week so more Hashers can enjoy this gift of nature.
   

I ran to the Hash and as I crossed the Forest Glen grove I was looking for the cast of usual Bushman suspects. (Horn-E, Lifa, Rear Loader, Easy, Spotted). As I got closer all I saw beside a few teens was a Yeti coming out of the woods.  Upon further inspection I realized it was Horn-E. We talked the usual Hash talk. As start time approached Horn-E brought out custom, personalized Bushman bandanas as perks for those Hounds that had at least 5 runs.   

on chalk talk and off I went. Flour on trees and the ground were easy to see even for this blind Hound.  Did I say easy? It was until I hit the checks. Checks in the woods truly can go 360 degrees and the Hare did a good job of confusing this Hound. The trail was all in the woods, even though these are small woods the Hare was able to cover a lot of ground and was able to avoid the all too common running of streets and alleys. There was a river crossing over a log jam. I did not relish the idea of getting wet and took my time crossing. Once across, there was a check. Looking in all directions for trail the Hare and I spotted something red in the water and thought what are the chances? Yes it was the Red Dog stuffed animal from Lower Wackoff’s mid winter Hash out of the Gladstone. I fished it out, pictures were taken and after a few laughs it was back on trail. The trail continued to confuse this Hound but the patient Hare let me find trail each time I was off trail. It wasn’t a long trail but it was interesting. Great day, nice weather, beautiful scenery, a few laughs, good circle what more could you ask for at a Hash other than a couple of more Hounds to help out at the splits and checks.
 
On-On
Or-G -

About a month ago their was some nasty video on TV of a big rogue off duty cop pounding on a tiny female bartender for not serving him in his over served state. I asked our own resident good guy cop, Mount Me Puh'leeze, if he would be offended if we held a hash there? He thought it was a great idea and volunteered to be our hare. Mount Me Puh'leeze asked his brother-in-law, Speckle Bird to Co-Hare with him. Is that incest? Speckle Bird came up with the idea of the We're Not All Bad Hash.     

And so we gathered up at the Shortstop Inn. Good attendance too. We actually got more people then the last TH3 Hash. It's okay to rib them because their GM, Rear Loader came up with that point. All right, this isn't 142 hashers. But it was larger then we have been getting, by a bunch. I guess we all didn't appreciate what happened and wanted to show support for our own Police Officer. That and we are a bunch of hashers and we do all sorts of things for the shock value alone.      

Enough of the bull shit nice stuff. What happened on this shitty hash. We gathered up outside for a quick chalk talk. I paused to fart and missed most of it. But I don't remember anything about F Falses or BC Back checks. Fortunately we got past those okay.     

Our trail started to the south with a bunch of burly drunken hashers and one tiny bimbo, Canned Pussy. I led south to our first check. Canned Pussy was already heard whining before she got to that first Check, a whole block of furious running. I found a F, The 69 Cent Man found another. I finally headed down an alley and found the trail. After a few quick splits, Canned Pussy took the lead and came up to the short cutting hare, Mount Me Puh'leeze, The lame Milk My Yak (and why isn't he even trying to run), and the really lame Rear Loader (actually really lame.) Canned Pussy saw the advantage of hanging with them and started to walk with the walkers. We ran back to Belmont for a Check. A False to the left and Easy On The Ass found the trail down an alley heading west. A couple of alleys and streets and we came to a WC Water Check in a park. I led from here as we looped the park, and that damn basketball court and finally The 69 Cent Man led us out of the park and down an alley. Good. He found the Back Check. The walkers and Speckle Bird were waiting as we emerged from the alley and I found the trail. I led us to a school were we had a bit of trouble finding marks in the dark. By now there were three of us up front and we ran on to another check. The 69 Cent Man found the trail and Easy On The Ass and I found the On Back marks and the three of us ran on to a Beer Stop in a tiny little bar. Eventually we all arrived, had a beer and ate all of their pretzels.     

Back at the Shortstop Inn, I made a barely successful attempt at keeping the only two pitchers in the bar half full. We held a typical moon hash circle to a bunch of lame down downs for our lame pack, the hares, to many walkers, to many DFLs etc. We were also joined by the easy rider, Or G, the pretzel refill guy Peterbilt, and Its Too Soft with his ever present camera. After the circle we hung around for a few more pitchers and a freebie on the bar before we all headed home. A good time despite catching every damn False and Back Check.  

On On
Horn-E

This was an Assflac trail with an assist from Flying Hooters from Christina's. With The KGB and Rhotan and Happy Ass Grabber on this trail, it should have been really stretched out. We headed west for a bit and our two virgins, Just Heather and Just Molly, were keeping up really nice and actually looking for trail. But after a series of splits I finally ended up in front. I actually was ranging, who me(?), and I ran into Happy Ass Grabber coming out of a gangway from a Split. Was he On? No. So we ran to the corner and there was an arrow, coming from the wrong direction. Hey, I don't care where it cums from, if it is an arrow, we are On until we aren't and I was off. I managed to lead us to the East and through a Check and a Split, guessing right each time until I ran into a Back Check. I turned around and there was Soar Balls. He wasn't there at the start, but he caught up. So I ran South and I picked up on the arrow and we were off. From here the trail went pretty much straight to a park for a shot stop. What kind? I don't know. I don't do shots.     

After the shot stop we headed south in the park to the corner of Irving Park. I ended up a block west of the trail heading south. The trail went along the river through some more park land and when I finally emerged at California, I spotted the pack heading south. So I paralleled some more only to miss the trail crossing my path. Now I was east of the pack and then south of the pack and never really On anything, but always almost in sight of the pack. The trail ended up going through this mall and I was first into the mall. But again, I never found marks and eventually ran towards some of the pack and we headed south around the mall. I finally found a mark and followed it two more marks to the beer stop. That is about the worst I ever did at following marks, but I led to the beer and Flying Hooters emerged from her car with a case. Of beer. Into the playground we went were we all had some much needed refreshment. We only lost three. But eventually Milk My Yak, Barks On All Fours and Canned Pussy arrived through an alley that the trail didn't go down.     

After a beer, we headed back to the bar where Happy Ass Grabber led us in a circle. It was crowded, but we got it done. Our hares got many, our virgins were introduced. Welcome Just Heather and Just Molly. Hey, they are keepers. When I left, way after midnight, they were still going strong. Just Mary was there, returning to the scene of her first trail. Just Mike was back again. He is going to get named soon if he keeps returning like that. Princess Labia was running around taking pictures everywhere.     

After the circle we were joined by Pardon My Flaps, Chicken Stiffer, Smell This, Hot Pants, and the former Fist N Clits with a new name, that I can't remember [Hooked On Tonics]. Was it something like fine spritzer? Don't change names on me. That is why I try to write these names down. These old beer soaked brain cells have a hard enough time remembering names without all of these changes. But it was good to see her again. Been awhile.  

Rhotan and Princess Labia were our hares out of a running store called Momentum. Rhotan provided a keg of Labatt's Blue. So far so good.     After some pizza, Happy Ass Grabber called the circle together. He asked for comments on the hash. Chicken Stiffer said, If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." I wouldn't want to say anything negative and get him pissed off, so lets get right to the circle. The hares were called out for their shitty trail and we all sang S-H-I-T-T-Y  T-R-A-I--L. This was the first of many down downs for the hares. So what else is new. The FBI was Flying Hooters and Calvin Klein won the hash as FRB. The award for DFL goes to, the envelope please, Just Mark and Ballsalotapus for a dead heat in a dead heap. Or G got an award for excessive checking for checking each split on the way back from the Beer Stop. Hey, isn't that what you are suppossed to do, even when the finish is in sight. Just Shetha and Just Rachel joined us as virgins and left us deflowered. After many attempts by Rhotan to disrupt yet another circle with a Chinese Fire Drill, we finally wound down with Swing Low. Then the remnants of the pack hung around and around while the owner and his help waited and waited for the Hash to quit drinking. Hey, that keg wasn't floating and the hash wasn't leaving. What did he expect for selling Calvin Klein a pair of shoes?   /

All right, I was kidding about the trail and not having anything good to say. It wasn't that bad. At least those that managed to find the whole trail said that it was fun. Occupied and Manage A Twat came in just before 9 and saw an empty store. They thought everyone came back, had a circle and left. That is how far behind they were. But not really, because the pack wasn't back yet. Eventually after nine, Rear Loader arrived and looked like he was going to collapse at the door. They were making me glad that I missed that.

But what happened to me and why was it so late getting to the KEG of good beer. First the start got a delay. The hares went out and made marks about 7:15. then Rhotan came in and asked if we wanted a beer stop. Planning folks. Either have it or don't, but decide before 7:15. So Rhotan had to go set it up. Then about 7:30 the hares were finally off, fifteen minutes late. Now the shit really starts. It wasn't a good start. It started with a check and I went north with Virtually Hung. We found Falses on both sides of the street. We came back to the milling crowd and someone called on through an alley. We ran to Racine and Armitage where there was a clear mark heading east and just after the corner. Not to be. Oooops. After a block there were no marks. I returned and went around the corner heading south and around the next corner I found a hidden arrow. Huh! Whatever, we were On. I found another and then Chicken Stiffer came bolting out of an alley and found another arrow across the street. How did the trail get over there? A block later we had another turn, heading north that seemed to go no where. Again we couldn't find marks and I finally ranged over to Sheffield and looped south. Two blocks later I saw Virtually Hung ranging and off marks. I went another block to Willow and saw Chicken Stiffer, ranging from a check. Huh!. I followed him back and as we approached this check, we heard On through an empty lot and an alley. Suddenly the marks where good. Real nice and frequent. I followed these marks in pursuit of the pack heading west down Cortland watching as the pack headed north behind some factories. I found them back there heading east. East? Someone finally told me it was a back check. But they weren't On any marks. So I backtracked with Virtually Hung to Cortland. I crossed the street and found nothing. He went west and found marks coming out of an empty lot. ??? But we were On and we headed across Cortland to Southport and north. We covered both sides of the street until I came to some tracks and a Check. I headed down some tracks and found two marks and some spilled white stuff, but no more flour marks. Looping back I found the pack in confusion running every which way. So I headed north and found marks, but not three. As I crossed an intersection, I ran into Cums Anally, another infrequent hasher. We talked a bit and then I returned to the check. No one was in sight. Decisions. Fifteen people couldn't find that check in over five minutes. How long would it take me alone? And once I did, how far behind would I be and would I have the same problem with the next check. The marks ranged from real good to "What the hell is happening now." I'm three blocks from a keg of Labatts Blue. I turned Blue. In defense of the hares, I understand that the trail was good and apparently the marks improved after that start. But I was drinking Blue with two non runners, Batteries Not Included and Pardon My Flaps. Eventually we all got back and we had a good time. Who else was there? Assman, KGB, Assflac, Mr. Cheesecake, and 69 Cent Man. We were eventually joined by the non runner Boner Malfunction and the hasher I met on trail, Cums Anally stopped for a beer and our circle. Thanks Rhotan for a keg of good beer.   On On
Horn-E