Category Archives: 1500

1500 TALE OF THE TRAIL 7/21/07

Hares: VIRTUALLY HUNG, MILK MY YAK, CALVIN KLEIN

Virgins: JUST STEVE, JUST ALLAN, JUST CORINNE, JUST GALAT, JUST LENA, JUST TOM

Hashers: MOUTHSUL OF MEAT, CANNED PUSSY, SPOTTED COCK, SALTED GASH, PACKhER ARSE, CHICKEN STIFFER, MR. ED, MRS. ED, FLUFFER, ELVIS, ITS TOO SOFT, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED, LIFA, TASTE LIKE SHIT, VIRGIB BANGER, RENT A VIRGIN, ROTTEN WHORE, FINGER PICKIN GOOD, DO YOU FEEL PETER?, MAGNETIC MUFF, SIR POOPS A LOT, SPECIAL ED GIVER, 69-CENT MAN, BALLSALOTPUS, SERVING SEAMEN, SOGGY SPARKS, UNALICKER, REAR ADMIRAL, REAR END ID, PUKE SUIT RIOT, SINGLE WIDE MOBILE HO, HOT LIPS, POOPER SCOOPER, FOLLOW THE URINE TRAIL, BONER MALFUNCTION, SEX LUTHOR, DAVEY CROCHET, HAND SOLO, LOCK NUT MONSTER, POSTAGE TRAMP, PMS, CLIFF BANGHER, DO MY BUTT, SEXORCIST, LAZY ASS, MOAN ON TRAIL, NURSE HASHSHIT, IM LATE AGAIN, BANK OF SPERMAMERICA, JUST CARRIE, JUST CHRIS, RETURN TO GENDER, THE MESS(IAH), JUST CONNIE, TWO PUMP CHUMP, MOUNT SCHWIIINGA, , JUST EUGENE, JUST JOHN, C NO PANTY HO, JUST ERIN, PLOT MY G SPOT, JUST ANGELLE, GAGGING ME SOFTLY, QUARTER BARREL, JUST DOUG, WHIP IT OUT, JUST PATTY, JUST FAITH, HUNKA HUNKA BURNING SHIT, TOO MUCH HEAD, NO PENATRATION, BARKS ON ALL FOURS, FUCKO THE CLOWN, JUST NOAH, WAUKESHA NOAH, CORNBALLER, MONSTERBATOR, JUST JIM, PITA, MAN A WHORE, ORGIE O’QUEF, CUMS ON THE CEILING, WHACK ON WHACK OFF, NAPPY HEADED HO, MUDSUCKER, ODOR EATER, JUST YOUNG, VIRGIN PIMP, COFFEE TEA OR ME, MOUNT ME PUH’LZEE, DICKEN CIDER, BRINGING UP THE REAR (BUTR)

The planning for this hash began many days and months ago the first real talk began last November where a date was voted on by the Chicago Hash and July 21, 2007 won overwhelmingly by those present at the mismanagement meeting. A 1500 committee was formed which included VIRTUALLY HUNG, MILK MY YAK, ITS TOO SOFT, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, and I. Over the next several months we meet on occasion but planning began in earnest after the 1469/Anthrax Hash in December. The major concerns would be where we would have the event and where and who would set trail. Each of us took an area of the city to scout for possible venues and trails. We came back together in February and found it was difficult to find a venue that could accommodate 100+ hashers. I don’t know who suggested WEED’s but the problem was running from there would not be very memorable. ITS TOO SOFT came up with the idea of the buses and a hash was born. The concept was simple bus people to Buckingham Fountain and then run them back through the scenic downtown of Chicago!!! One of the best trails of the year!! Now the only thing that could mess with the plans was oppressive heat or rain!!

I arrived at 1:30 pm at the venue with BONER helping me carry in several boxes of goodies and all of my bags. I promptly got out my bike cable and lock and secured our CH3 gas can hashshit award, PMS green cup, our DOWN-DOWN Pipe, the BIG HUMP Trophy, and our prisoner Wylie from SIN CITY to the nearest and sturdiest post I could find so I would have peace of mind that none of our crap would be stolen. DMB showed up later and asked to lock up her large beer stein to the pole as well but this was done under strict supervision of BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED so nothing would be taken. Hashers began to arrive from the four corners of the country and checked in.

Meanwhile back at party-central FUJI was busy using his new toy the KEG ELEVATOR to get the keg on his roof deck. Folks this contraption is something you have got to see, no more lugging kegs up four flights of stairs to the roof deck of party central. The INDYSCENT hashers were impressed. When we finished counting those that signed up we had 103 people with 2 no shows, which makes sense since I have 3 tags left and made 104. The official count for this hash stands at 101 hashers present and accounted for!! Nice job Committee and those others that helped out. I was collecting rego’s and checking people when our friend from Little Rock, FINGER PICKIN GOOD, showed up and bought me an old style which was mighty tasty. MOUTHFUL and BATTERIES were passing out t-shirts and bags just as fast as they could. BANK OF SPERMAMRICA and JUST LAUREN went around passing out tags for hasher’s lanyards.

The official time listed for people to be at the hash was 2:30 pm but I have learned you need to give hashers an extra 15 minutes. The buses were scheduled to show up at 2:45 pm but even then BALLSALOTPUS almost missed the bus!! 101 hashers climbed on to two school buses and we even managed to get LAZY ASS on wheelchair and all. Some were crammed three to a seat and I managed to sit with SOGGY SPARKS, and SERVING SEAMEN. The route took us down North Avenue and ! to Lake Shore drive passing sites like the North Ave. beach and Castaways. MOAN ON TRAIL was awed with all the boats off Oak street beach!! and then we made Grant Park.

The hashers got off the buses, which were piloted by GEORGE and his wingman JOSE. An obligatory picture was taken at the Buckingham Fountain and I believe I heard UNALICKER say, "that thing is in Married With Children." The weather couldn’t have been any better 80-degrees and low humidity CALVIN, the RA, knew he was a dead man. BONER was off chasing PLOT MY G SPOT somewhere when the hares called for a circle and chalk talk!! As someone else has already noted the hash began to draw a lot of attention to itself and the business cards VIRGIN BANG has given us came in handy for those interested parties. We even seemed to manage upsetting a few wedding parties taking pictures. The Circle ended and we even managed to allow everyone to say-scream his or her name with the help of the Mega Phone. The hash took off and HUNKA HUNKA BURNING SHIT and LIFA lead us north through Grant Park.

We soon passed the Petrillo Band shell and the familiar sight of the movie screen for movies in the park on Tuesday nights. The hares really out did themselves by using many of the great Chicago Landmarks to run by. We crossed over Monroe Street with DO YOU FEEL PETER? and others out in front. Next we crossed the winding BP Bridge over Columbus that dumped into Millennium Park by the Pritsker Pavilion. SEX LUTHOR found trail going west and the pack was running again but we were soon stopped at the busy intersection of Michigan Avenue. HOT LIPS took her life into her own hands and crossed against moving traffic and you know what she made it!!! The trail kept going west and ran by State Street and Daley Plaza.

The trail finally crossed the river and the first beer stop was found at VIRGIN BANGERS businesses loading dock with the FUJI-mobile, lights flashing and horn blaring distributing beer from the back end of the car. We waited for the back of the! pack to show THE MESS, MOAN ON TRAIL, LAZY ASS, SEXORCIST and others along with the sweeping hare MILK MY YAK made it. We didn’t wait alone because we had two beautiful kegs to keep us company. Numerous pictures were taken please take the time to visit www.chicaghash. com to see the first beer stop.

The pack had a choice next, the Turkey or Eagle trail. The eagle was 7 miles total while the turkey was just over 4 miles to home. The trail wound around the industrial area of Chicago and Halsted and many by this time were walking tired from 24 hours of constant drinking. The Ed’s pressed on and I was running with CP and GAGGING ME SOFTLY. Quickly we were over Division and wound our way over to the train bridge over the Chicago River near North Avenue. JUST ALLAN and JUST STEVE peed in the bushes while there stood not ten feet away and porta potty?? I guess they like the nature thing? I bet we could have had the 1500 party right there on the river and no one would have stopped us? It was getting close to 6 pm and we made it back to Weed’s. The pack carefully crossed over the rickety bridge and ran walked or crawled to the bar.

The Kegs were tapped and beer flowed freely from the steel containers. The circle commenced and CALVIN took over his duties. He called in all the visiting hashes one kennel at a time and the BIG-HUMPERS won back their trophy. PMS was brought in for lost property and got back her green mug from GREEN DRESS too bad I now have her shirt she was wearing from Sunday’s hash. The highlight of the evening was the prisoner exchange between FLUFFER and BALLSALOTPUS. FLUFFER had stolen the dragonhead from our Chinese new years hash and Chicago had their WYLIE or DFL award. A down-down was completed and the prisoners were exchanged. Somewhere around this time BATTERIES knocked over the first of many pitchers of beer that lay on the ground. CALVIN was soon to repeat this clumsy feat as well. PUKE SUIT RIOT as his name states upchucked in the garden killing all the plants in a 5 ft sq. area YUCK!!

The Chicago Pipe or Sleeve was presented to CALVIN for the picture perfect weather and he did us all proud by pouring the beer directly on in his mouth, face chest, etc!! HUNKA HUNKA BURNING SHIT gave CALVIN and I socks that he wore all day someplace?? Will washing them do any good? The Vegas hashers treated CALVIN to their version of Old McDonald had a farm as well. We said hello to our virgins, JUST STEVE, JUST ALLAN, JUST CORINNE, JUST GALAT, JUST LENA, and JUST TOM. I believe JUST STEVE also said hello to the porcelain God at least two times that night. Calvin soon had the circle closed and ROTTEN WHORE and LIFA served the food. Everyone enjoyed the Brown’s Chicken and pasta but we need to come up with a new catering idea for future events. Maybe we can order Polish food from the Red Apple?? What do you think 69-CENT MAN?

The hash partied into the night and the Beer bong came out. I believe I saw LOCK NUT MONSTER and several others in a beer bong competition. Flippy Cups also made a showing at this hash with PUKE SUIT and SINGLE WIDE MOBILE HO leading the charge in this game. I myself could be seen smoking a celebratory cigar for a hash well done. The circle was reopened after dinner and many hashers had changed their clothes in fact some were wearing other hashers clothes?? Who knows there are several alleys and dark places around WEEDS that a hasher could get a quickie in!! The night went on and on and on and the bar let us drink until 11 pm instead of the agreed to 10 pm and when we got there several hashers took off for the on after party at party central. We drank on the deck until at least 4 am because that is the time FINGER PICKING GOOD took off for O’Hare with BALLSALOTPUS giving him a lift to the airport. Pictures from this time confirm that DAVEY CROCHET was giving dance lessons to PACKhER ARSE; I think she might have learned some new stripper moves? Slowly like a car running out of gas the hash came to an end with bodies strewn everywhere at Party Central. The next thing I can remember is hearing UNALICKER walking by my place at 10 am that morning and me thinking I had to get up and set trail. THANK GOD for FLUFFER who did that for us the next day.

Special thanks go out to JUST CARRIE and JUST LAUREN for making and stuffing the bags. ODOR EATER made the music for us at WEEDS. BONER for helping me carry all the shit to the bar, ROTTEN WHORE and LIFA for taking charge of the food service, BATTERIES for selling all the haberdashery, The hares VIRTUALLY HUNG, CALVIN KLEIN, and MILK MY YAK for scouting trail and laying one of the best trails to date in Chicago. Finally I have to thank the 1500 committee MILK, VIRTUALLY, ITS (who is still hosing all the beer stop beer out of the cop car), and MOUTHFUL for the time and effort in putting together this memorable hash.

CHICKEN STIFFER
da CH3-GM

Trash 7/20/2007

Chicago Hash House Harriers Sheffield Garden Crawl for the CPD Memorial Fund!!
by CHICKEN STIFFER

The weekend started with the dawning of a beautiful day on Friday, and in fact this would be true of every single day this weekend. When do you get four days of 80-degree weather in Chicago during July with low humidity? BONER was dropped off by PRINCESS LABIA at old party central and BONER and I went down to the Mega Bus stop to meet our visitors from Big-Hump and Sin City. Maybe it was a foreshadowing of how well things would run the next two days but when I called each bus at 3 pm UNALICKER and PLOT MY G SPOT both said, "I can see the Sears Tower!!", now that is not much information because anyone can see the tower from 50 miles away? It turns out that the Big-Hump bus got in late but the Sin City bus was on time each bus arriving within minutes of each other. We shook hands with SOGGY SPARKS, UNA, FLUFFER, DO YOU FEEL PETER? , LOCK NUT MONSTER, PLOT MY G SPOT, TLS, ELVIS, SERVING SEAMAN, and a few others. We conducted our friends to the Quincy/Wells stop and got them on the brown line. The trip took ½ hour and we were at Fullerton and ½ mile away from the Arlington House. BONER and I got most of these visitors their giveaways and told them to get a sandwich at the Bourgeois Pig for dinner.

The day went by fast and we were closing in on the 6 pm, start time of the Sheffield Garden Crawl. I got there and many of our visitors were already drinking and having a good time at Kelly’s. They were surprised that the el ran so close to them and every minute or so conversation had to stop in the beer garden to allow a train to pass. Kevin Kelly was there. He is a Chicago Cop and the son of the owner so he allowed the drink specials to commence. $6 pitchers of beer began to flow and more and more people began to show up. Before we left for McGee’s ITS TOO SOFT arrived along with JUST CARRIE, JUST CHRIS, QUARTER BARREL, and ELVIS. McGee’s was packed with the usual DePaul crowd and more people began to arrive. POOPER SCOOPER and the ED’s had arrived from the fine kennel in Minneapolis. FLUFFER was in fine form hitting on all he young co-eds. Can you say sensory overload!! BONER MALFUNCTION was ripping thru his rum and cokes faster then the Captain could make his well-known Pose!! The Crawl left McGee’s and went to Slainte, we were selling more wrist bands and we saw HOOTERS and TWO TIKS join the crawl with JUST JIM. SEX LUTHOR and DAVEY CROCHET were bringing up the rear of the pack.

Things from here on out became more and more fuzzy. I began to change from CHICKEN STIFFER to FRIED CHICKEN, but we made it to Halligan where Rhonda and BALLSALOTAPUS our contacts from the CPD Memorial Fund showed up selling t-shirts and hats to interested buyers. The crawl rolled on down Lincoln and took over the Clarke Bar. Someone here bought me a thank you drink I believe it was HUNKA HUNKA BURNING SHIT along with his entourage JUST TOM and FUCKO THE CLOWN? SERVING SEAMEN was ready to spew from the deck of the ship but she did make it out of the bar at least and home safely.

The night got darker and some crawler was wearing a flashing belt buckle that said "FREE SPANKINGS", which were administered frequently. The crawl was waiting in anticipation of our friends from INDY and the crew from BIG-HUMP along with DMB who missed the early bus on account of her hair appointment she just couldn’t miss!! The Gin Mill was next and TOO MUCH HEAD showed up with friends. TOO MUCH HEAD looked like a different person this night with done up hair and a pretty smile. This is true about most of the hash though, when you get us out of our sweaty running clothes, "We clean up well!! The crawl marched on and rolled through the last bars. The arrival of CLIFF BANGHER, LAZY ASS, SEXORCIST, PMS, POSTAGE, MOAN ON TRAIL, C NO, THE MESS, NURSE HASHCHET?, GAGGING ME SOFTLY,TWO PUMP, ORGIE O’QUEF, etc. gave us at least 50+ hashers in the crawl to go along with the 150+ pup crawlers already.

The hash ended up at the Union at 11:30 pm and proceeded to drink and dance the night away. Memorable moments at this bar included MOAN ON TRAIL with legs wrapped around some unknown guy get spun around the dance floor.

The crawl was a great success and I believe we rose well over $600+ dollars for the CPD MEMORIAL FUND!!! Stay tuned for a free night at a local pub so we can present Rhonda with the money raised for charity from the Chicago Hash House Harriers. I was ready to call it a night by 1 am and went home but not before taking PMS, POSTAGE TRAMP, and DMB to La Bamba for the burritos as big as their cranium. POSTAGE ATE two!! I believe we should have included that as the 11th stop on the crawl as most people needed food by 1 am. Rumors abound that the BIG HUMPERS played pool to the wee hours of the morning and that a large group of hashers were seen drinking on the ITS TOO SOFT’s roof deck until the sun came up. All I know is that BONER got back to my place around 10 am the next day with a full rum and coke mumbling, "I am so Fucked up!!!"

Chicken Stiffer
CH3- GM