Tale of the Trail Chicago #1493 @ Case de Puke and Single Wide

Hares: Puke Suit Riot, Single Wide Mobile Ho

The Chicago Hash after having a successful May seeing 30+ hashers at each hash got nailed by hashers whining, "I'm not coming to the hash because its raining". You people missed a great trail, circle and cookout, and guess what it never rained after 6:30 pm. PUKE SUIT RIOT, the hare, was smart and laid the trail live which gave us easy marks to follow because it didn't RAIN!!! I met our visiting GM, HAPPY MEAL, who flew in from Florida to hash with us early. We had a few beers before we ran trail, Blue Moons for $3 nice!!! SINGLE WIDE MOBILE HO gave us a chalk talk for the virgins benefit and then we were off going north. Many of the virgins were heard saying just FOLLOW THE HASH FLAG!! We traveled North with MR. CHEESECAKE and HORN-E leading the pack on. The trail went in a NE direction and our hash virgin, JUST CHRIS was getting the hang of finding trail and began checking after splits and checks nice job!!!! The trail angled back to the east and passed by Wrigley Field home of the mighty, mighty CUBS!!! It is here where HORN-E and I got lost after a check. I found trail again and caught up to CP, JUST LAUREN, and HAPPY MEAL by the Addison red line stop but HORN-E wasn't seen until the on–in go figure?? I hooked up with the three ladies and we worked together finding trail back through the Lakeview neighborhood to the home of PUKE SUIT and SWMH!!

The ON-IN was the backyard of PUKE SUIT who took it upon himself to put up a tent in case it would have rained. The pack made it back here with little or no trouble. JUST BESS and MY LITTLE PONY in from MH3 said they had a blast but the fun had not even begun yet!!! They were plenty of snacks and beer for the ravenous hashers to replenish their fluids and energy provided by the hares. The circle was convened and Mr. CHEESE CAKE was the FRB. During the Circle HORN-E was seen climbing over the back fence even though the trail came through the front yard so he was named the DFL. JUST LAUREN drank a down-down for the missing JUST KELLY who bugged out because it was raining?!!?? ! Our visitor, HAPPY MEAL gave the hash a nice big flash. To bad LOWER WHACKOFF missed it because he was on the wrong side of the circle. MILK MY YAK got his down-down for being a non-running wienie. The circle progressed and I turned around and there was SMELL THIS in business attire, and finally or hash flash showed up, ITS TOO SOFT. The circle was soon closed and we ate PUKE SUITS hot dogs that he was kind enough to grill!!! MAGNETIC MUFF is haring a moon hash in a week and MOUNT SCHWINGA will be haring her first hash on JUNE 25 so support her in a few weeks. Remember also 1500th hash on JULY 21st is fast approaching so pay up you wankers!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1491 @ Dunn Inn

Hash Trash: 5/21/07
Hare: Magnetic Muff, Canned Pussy
Venue: Dunn's Inn 3456 N. Pulaski

HASHERS: Just Kelly, 69-cent Man, Chicken Stiffer, Milk-My-Yak, Chip-n-Dale, Mount Schwinga, Just Carrie, Flying Hooters, Just Amy, Virgin Banger, Occupied, Pussy Galore, Erect-Da-Red, Smell This, Hot Pants, Horn-E, Just Jon, Just Jenny, Lower Whackoff, Spotted Cock, Mudsucker, Soar Balls, PeterBilt, Little Red Ride Me Good, Assflack???

The hash began at Dunn's Inn an Irish Bar on Pulaski just south of Addison. We were very happy to see three virgins return to the hash. JUST JON and JUST JENNY walked up just before we started hashing and JUST CARRIE made it with 15 minutes to spare, glad to see you back!!! The Hares gave a quick chalk talk and explained the marks to the visitor LITTLE RED RIDE ME GOOD, in from the DC hash. The Trail went north and it jogged west. The HASH FLAG was in the lead. CHIP-N-DALE also remained at the cranium of the pack most of the hash. FLYING HOOTERS was seen racing for her wine at the beer stop or should I say wine stop?? The trail crossed north of Addison and 69-CENT MAN found the true trail after a check meandering around a CPS elementary school. VIRGIN BANGER was heard more than seen huffing and puffing along the trail, I know he loves the warmer weather for the Asthma problem. The newbie's plus MOUNT SCHWINGA and PUSSY GALORE were doing some serious check hanging near the expressway and Irving Park. The trail was found by CHICKEN STIFFER going west down Irving Park and crossed back over IP going south. The trail ran south and west through the tree lined neighborhoods and came to the Metra line. The trail went up and over the live line and entered a park through a break in the fence on the opposite side. ERECT-DA-RED hacked his way through the dense undergrowth with Viking like chopping motions. He cleared a path for hashers like MILK-MY-YAK and SPOTTED COCK to follow. The trail finally jogged towards familiar territory near the metra line and Belmont otherwise known as CP-Hood. The Beer stop was at the home of the beloved CP.

JUST AMY and JUST KELLY were talking about some big polish sausage that JUST AMY had the other night, whatever that was supposed to mean. A very cute 40 lbs bulldog visited the hash at this point but this was not a Big Dogs hash today??? LOWER WHACKOFF and JUST CARRIE were enjoying a fine lite beer and soon the pack was off again. Most of us simply went east on Belmont and then North on Pulaski to the ON-IN where we ran into HORN-E blowing his horn? The hash was treated to $6 pitchers and we even had visits from SMELL THIS and HOT PANTS who were waiting for us back at the bar. Later still were the DFL's of PETERBILT, MUDSUKER, SOAR BALLS and even ASSFLACK snuck in through the back door?? SMELL THIS and I took over the duties of RA and proceeded to give out some down-downs for bad behavior. PUSSY GALORE got one for complaining it was too cold 80-degree weather come on!!! 69-cent MAN got one for pushing his geezer jock magazines, and numerous others were given out in the name of fun and the hash. The circle ended and SMELL THIS and the hash went off to try and get a piece.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1490 @ Kelly's on Webster

Hash Trash: 5/14/07
Hare: Chicken Stiffer
Venue: Kelly's Pub 949 W. Webster

The Hash started from a new bar in the DePaul Neighborhood. Kelly's is located just east of the Sheffield & Webster corner and has a beer garden in the back and for future reference it has 20 parking spaces next to the building located under the EL tracks, you just have to have your car out by midnight. The pack got a chalk talk at 7:30 pm in front of the bar and numerous patrons were interested in what we were doing. VIRGIN BANGERS business cards sure came in handy because we were able to pass many of them out to DePaul students this night. CHICKEN STIFFER gave the chalk talk but was competing with the EL trains overhead in a battle of who could be the loudest. I lost. The first mark was a check and the pack was off. HORN-E went east and was lost CALVIN went south but took the incorrect split. FLYING HOOTERS and TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR THIGHS though were all over the first check and found true trail. The trail went through the alleys and jogged right towards the DePaul campus and courtyard. CAPTAIN CRUNCH was seen trying to pick the correct route after the next check and even found the short cut to the next part of the trail. Unfortunately he missed the mark that sent the trail across the street and had to send the pack back to the last mark. The trail crossed Fullerton and went east down an alley behind the closed Blockbuster. Here the hare heard EZ on the ASS whine about no one calling out a check but he was DFL at this point so who cares. The pack wound its way around the old party central and PUSSY GALORE didn't even take the short cut that the hare was offering her, Way to go girl!! CP, JUST PETER, and JUST STEVEN did follow the hare and stayed in the alley behind old party central. The pack went east again and found itself at a split on Lincoln. VIRTUALLY HUNG found the correct split and soon was heard blowing his own whistle behind Children's Research facility where MOUTHFUL OF MEAT works.

Together with MR. CHEESECAKE, VIRTUALLY HUNG found that the trail cut between two houses with little more that 12 inches to slip through to get to the next alley. PUSSY GALORE was heard to say, "I can't go through there!!" JUST ASHLEY just in from Purdue was seen jogging with her sister, JUST LORI, were those two twins?? The front of the pack next hit the major 7-mark check back, which allowed he tail to catch the head of the pack. CALVIN found the hidden mark on the school ground and quickly hopped the fence to continue trail. BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED kept up her usually pace and lopped along. The trail went east towards Clark Street but cut behind an alley. Here the ladies of the pack found some of the best looking Chicagoans drinking swill and sleeping behind the stores of Clark Street. I hope nobody stepped on that guy sleeping by the dumpster. JUST AMY and JUST KELLY informed me later that they were startled by this toothless wonder. The trail ran into the Lagoon area of Lincoln Park, and the hare called out to hey yellow t-shirt girl follow me to the next mark. Yellow t-shirt girl was JUST CARRIE and she walked with BNI, CP, and I to the shortcut. The hare then jogged back along the trail to find 5 lost hashers and he find them he did. JUST AMY, JUST KELLY, JUST PETER, JUST STEVEN, and MOUNT SCHWINGA were taken post haste to the beer stop where we found LOWER WHACKOFF wandering around the neighborhood looking for BEER. The Beer stop was at CASA de CHICKEN"S parking lot, but it still amazes me how many times I can keep people completely lost in tying to find it. How many times have we been there 10?

The Beer stop was 20 minutes long and the pack made it back to Kelly's pub. The back beer garden was perfect for our group of 30 and the weather was great. The pack enjoyed the $5 pitchers that were offered this night and CALVIN got the circle going. Numerous thanks go out to those that helped me run the hash tonight. VIRTUALLY HUNG took hash cash. EZ, MOUTHFUL, FIST, CP, HORN-E, HOOTERS, and TWO TIKS were seen ferrying beer to the back from the front bar, so thanks again. The hash gave out numerous down-downs for violations but one of the memorable was CALVIN drinking for his love of Stars Wars on George Lucas birthday. The virgins really seemed to be having fun and JUST CARRIE was rolling in laughter at our perverse verses. SMELL THIS and VIRGIN BANGER walked in and could have been mistaken for the regular crowd with the pushed up collars on their polos. PETERBILT also walked in carrying his nuts………..in a bag, oh you people are sick. Finally our own Hash flash showed up in ITS too SOFT. I can't wait to see the pictures from this hash. Well we hope you virgins, JUST JON, JU JENNY, JUST CARRIE, JUST PETER, and JUST STEVEN, had fun and remember your 2nd Chicago Hash is free!!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1492 @ Casa De Virgin Banger/Rent-a-Virgin

The Chicago Hash, 5/27/07 by Horn-E

The Third Anal Memorial Day Hash. What a crowd. I counted about 55 at the start. To bad they won't return after that marathon. I told Smell This I would give him shit for setting such a long trail on his bike. It measured 7 miles, north south, east west, without all of the Zig Zag that is part of every hash. Over 8 easily. We had a bunch of virgins too. I hope when they get back to Detroit they get treated better by BDH3. That was the shittiest trail of the year. Even Serigne, Our visitor from Senegal in Africa, couldn't handle the hottest marathon in Chicago's history. The only one who seemed to love it was Bank Of Spermerica who was running with our flag and looked like he was running to actually win the race. Race?????

Actually, it was a lot longer then most of us wanted or looked forward too, but a good part of the trail was decently laid and well marked. Thanks to the hares and hosts and cooks, Smell This, Calvin Klein, Virgin Banger, Rent A Virgin, and Peterbilt. And thanks for the 30 T-Shirts given to the first 31 hashers.

From the start we headed north to a check. Chicken Stiffer went west and wasn't seen for some time. Lifa picked up on the trail to the north and into Rosehill Cemetary with me running right behind him followed by this huge pack of hounds. We wound our way all over the cemetary Lifa and Bank Of Spermerica leading the way. We exited to the north and there was more cemetery. Lifa went in and a bunch of hashers went west. Were we On? No one called out. But finally an On call came and we were off, around this other cemetery. Lifa got lucky here and climbed a fence and was back near the front. We wandered north to Warren Park. This was a short loop into the park and then we were off to the west. Having been near the front, I was starting to fall back about here. Lifa, yes Lifa was dying too. He partied late at the Big Dog Hash and then was up at 4AM for the 5000 mile bike the drive in the rain. He finally had it. Sir Poops A Lot also had it and Special Ed Giver was leaving him behind. There were a lot of us just plodding along as we ran west to Kedzie. From here is was almost straight south for 2 miles through this river front park. Turns? Only because the path through the park weaned back and forth. All right. They took us over for one block into the city streets and back to the park. Meanwhile Just Carrie and Serigne and a few others were crawling from one water station to another. Finally we saw the beer stop in the distance. I took a head count as I downed a water. About 26 runners with those that drove over with the beer. That accounts for Its Too Soft. Camera at the ready, back pack, no sweat. That is as in no sweat from running in all that heat. But where was the rest of the pack.

But we all had to circle up as Smell This started us off in Duck Duck Goose. Silly fun and we all loosened up a bit. I think that and the beer saved them from the noose that several hashers were weaving behind that tree. Finally after over fifteen minutes of that nonsense, the rest of the pack started to arrive. Weary, but smiling at the sight of beer.

We were soon off to the second beer stop. Yes, we still had to run on. A bunch of us tried to run and died after a block and walked to the beer stop. Another mile plus. And when I got there, there was no more beer. Of course there wasn't much in the way of beer. All of the cans said Lite. We just ran over eight miles and they are trying to conserve on the calories we were drinking. It doesn't taste great no matter what they tell you on television. Smell This was trying to organize a game of Izzy Dizzy. I saw Just Lori and a virgin Just Kim walking up. They arrived late, ran through the cemetery, gave up, went back through the cemetery and had to climb a fence were Just Lori managed to fall on her great looking ass.

From here it was On In to the Virgin Abode. We tapped two of the three kegs of Goose Island Beer. Way to go hares. After about a half hour our RA called the circle together for some down downs. Many deserved for the hares for their Marathon course. The virgins, I hope I got this right, Just Debra, Kim, Ryan, Samantha, Harris, Dave, Tim, Gerry, Mike, Lauren. And there were visitors, Sperm Burp, Serigne, and Just Mona. Just Lew got one for saying he shouldn't have run that 8 miles that morning. No shit. Stab 'em and Slab 'em, Mudsucker, Lifa, Nuttin Bitch for biking the drive. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs for escorting a bunch of virgins on a walking tour around the whole of the north side of Chicago. That and her broken collar bone. After the circle we ate. Good Peterbilt food, ribs, brisket, beans that were so strong that I couldn't sit at my computer last night and live to see the dawn. We played some more Smell This games and Man O'Whore and Sweaty Nipples (yeah, she came back), won for being better at sucking off a banana and sucking out a taco quicker than anyone. Young kids. Don't they know they are supposed to linger over those things? Doc Cum was back from Paris. Hand Solo came in from Waukesha. Ass Pocket returned. And the longest missing hashers of all, Ann Slanders and Necrophiliac, returned to drink with us. Now if we can only get them back out running again. We finally ended up in song with some Yogi Bear and Jesus can't hash. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Just Kim were mesmerized and excited by spot lights and sarongs and Calvin Klein was walking around in green Kilts. Batteries Not Included beat everybody at sucking beer through a straw. Peterbilt prempted Mouthful Of Meat for another lame accusation before she even started. More runners that showed included Hooked On Tonics, Cunt N Pasties, Boner Malfunction, EZ On The Ass, Gag Reflex, Just Stephen, Just Peter, Or G, Cum In My Ass Fault, Princess Labia, Virtually Hung, Just Amy, Just Kelly, To Loose To Screw, Mount Schwinga, Canned Pussy, & Ernst Cumingway. Some hash groupies included Blue Balls, Rhotan, Red Snapper, & Hot Pants.

A killer marathon Hash and a damn good On In.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1489 Polish Constitution Day @ Czerwone Jabluszko

The Chicago Hash, 5/3/07 by Chicken Stiffer

Hash Trash: 5/7/07
Hare: 69-cent Man, Virgin Banger, Ernest Cummingway
Venue: Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple)

The start of this hash actually began on December 27, 2006. A short 10 days after CH3 had its 1469/Anthrax Hash, its largest hash every attended, when I got an e-mail and phone call from 69-CENT MAN because he was trying to nail down the details of the Polish Constitution Day Hash set for May 7, 2007. If you know 69-CENT MAN he is relentless and tries to be very methodical in his preparation for his PCDH. This year was no exception and I think many you including myself owe him a thank you for setting up this hash which was well attended and fun for those that showed even though we did start 1/2 hour early. Before the hash started the hash welcomed back SMELLY CONCHA, JUST BRENDA, and JUST SHAWN. I guess we can applaud SMELLY CONCHA for bringing virgins but we do miss him when he does not show up. It was fun watching FLYING HOOTERS try to parallel park her car, back and forth-back and forth. Maybe we should wait outside all the time to start the hash.

The Hash started sharply at 7:13 pm. The Hash went south along Milwaukee Ave. with CALVIN KLEIN in the FRB position followed closely by REARLOADER and the FBI, TWO TICKETS. I hung back waiting for PRINCESS LABIA to lock her bike and put her bag in the Shag wagon before she was ready to hash. The pack looked great from behind with the majority of people waving POLSKI flags around to the innocent bystanders who were to be the recipients of the PCDH. I don’t know when but MOUTHFUL OF MEAT made it into the pack the pack as well at some point. The trail set by VIRGIN BANGER and ERENST CUMMINGWAY turned back north and ran across Belmont Avenue. STOCKS AND BONDAGE was seen on trail multi-tasking what I mean smoking and running just how does he do it? JUST AMY and JUST KELLY were seen dragging the hash virgin, JUST ERIN along the trail, glad both of you could make it and bring a friend, that is the name of the game in the CHICAGO HASH bring a friend.

The pack craniumed south and ran by the old Polish church that was the site if the ON-IN two years ago for the PCDH. I think I heard some says there goes Jesus but I said, No its just HORN-E. We kept running south and mainly west through a Chicago park where the Hispanic contingent of the park took exception to our Polish Flags. We crossed Western Ave.? I think and hit the beer stop. SPOTTED COCK was first sighted here along with MOUNT SCHWINGA. Thank God no one drank the swill from Saturdays beer stop that the hare tried to pawn off on an unsuspecting hasher. The pack drank their own swill and made it back to the RED APPLE.

 Here all hell breaks loose we have hashers crying I want to eat or hashers crying I need my beer, In the end much like Anthrax, Chinatown, Memorial Day, or any other event hash we run at CH3 it all works out in the end. The people who wanted beer like CALVIN got Beer and REARLOADER was seen being rolled out after gorging himself on perogis and Polish sausage!! The circle was convened and much grumbling was heard from a certain corner where PRINCESS LABIA and EZ on the ASS were sitting but I don’t think it was PRINCESS?? The hares were pummeled for crossing Thursdays trail and pummeled again for not having the keg ready in an instant. JUST ERIN, JUST BRENDA, and JUST SHAWN got their own virgin down-down so welcome to the hash. ERNEST even got his own lanyard and whistle for his 10th hash!!! LOWER WACKOFF and DEBBIE DOES DOCTORS where reboots and numerous other violations were enforced by the RA-CALVIN.

 Late at night 10:30 pm we were kicked out and I ended up finishing the keg with ITS too SOFT, 69-CENT MAN, SINGLE WIDE, PUKE SUIT, and HORN-E. TWO TICKETS was there but soon flew back to her condo off of Cumberland. Numerous gangsters who for some apparent reason kept walking by in a new outfit but same hairdo, WEIRD, were eyeballing us?!?!?!?!? SINGLE WIDE and PUKE SUIT were seen making a get away in the convertible followed closely by FUJI AND I. Again overall another great Polish Constitution Day Hash and thanks for coming.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1488 @ Ravenswood Pub

The Chicago Hash, 4/29/07 by Horn-E          

I got there late again and the pack was off on Happy Ass Grabber's trail. The KGB was also late and we followed the trail together. I bet I was the biggest anchor The KGB ever had on trail. But we ran what looked like a decent twisting course, through the area. All of the splits and checks were marked and we didn't have to much trouble until we found some arrows pointing at each other and turn arrows down an alley coming from different directions. But we ran on and were soon at the beer stop and a very large pack was waiting for us. After a much needed beer we headed back to Ravenswood Pub and a cool room in back where much beer flowed. Rear Loader and Occupied were there, even though they weren't at the beer stop. They both claimed they were on trail, so we'll give them credit, but Rear Loader was in street clothes instead of running gear. Hmmm.  

We had a big crowd despite the fact that a bunch of hashers were out of town showing off their feminine sides in pretty prom dresses. Did they have corsages too? Rear Loader held a circle and some stranger butted into our circle with some recording device for some dot com radio. He was given a beer to chug and wore most of it. Who else was there? Just Amy and Just Kelly and Just Dave returned. All new hashers. Just Jill also returned. We had a new hasher, Sweaty Nipples, join us from the Moscow Hash. She will be here for the summer. So welcome her. Special Head Giver and Sir Poops A Lot are back from Hawaii for the summer. Can't Beat It, Debbie Does Doctors and Smelly Concha showed up for the first time in a long time. Pardon My Flaps walked the trail in street clothes with her dog. Bloody Thighs was there finding fault with many in the circle. Magnetic Muff, Erect da Red and Soar Balls also were there.

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1487 Opening Day @ Party Central Skydeck

The Chicago Hash, Hidden Shamrock, 4/22/2007 by Chicken Stiffer

Hare: It's Too Soft and Cheap Date
Venue: Party Central
HASHERS:
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED, MOUNT-ME PUHLZEE, HORN-E, CUM IN MY ASSFAULT, CHICKEN STIFFER, BARKS ON ALL FOURS, VIRTUALLY HUNG, SPOTTED COCK, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, CHEAP DATE, OR G, JUST MARY, JUST CHRISTINA, SQUEEZE THESE, SPECKIE, SPAWN OF SPECKIE, JUST DO ME SLOWLY, SMELL THIS, B.O.B, MAGNETIC MUFF, CHIP-N-DALE, DAVEY CROCHET, LEX LUTHER, JUST JULIA, JUST NANCY, ORGAN GRINDER, CUMS DRIPPING WET, MOUNT SCHWINGA, MUDSUCKER, CUNT AND PASTIES, PETERBILT, JUST DAVE, BONER MALFUNCTION, JUST AMY, JUST KELLIE, STAB'EM AND SLAB'EM, JUST JENNIFER, C.P., CUT THE CHEESE LOG, AND HOOKED ON TONICS.

The GM showed up at the Beer stop with the New CH3 Haberdashery and was immediately accosted by the ladies of the hash because we have new ladies t-shirts. I was amazed to see that we had about 40 hashers show up for this hash. I guess if you bill it they will cum? The beer stop ended and I was grabbed by ITS TOO SOFT to get the keg with MOUTHFUL OF MEAT. The only problem was his usual liquor store was closed and he missed the turn for it in his car. In fact you can call this hash ITS TOO SOFT is to slow day because he put his cold beer flag up upside down. His trail had marks pointing at each other. I think the next time he sets trail the hash will have to appoint someone to sit on him the night before so he doesn't get too wasted to set trail the next day.

Playing the role of RA I found out that this trail must have really been something to laugh about. I even saw those small marks the next day on the way to a Cubs game. We had three virgins join us in the circle JUST DAVE, JUST KELLY, and JUST AMY. We were happy to see new faces on such a nice day. W e had some visitors in from Atlanta LEX LUTHOR, DAVEY CROCHET, and JUST CHRISTINA? They sang us a nice load rendition of hash tones, which never over came the noise of the Brown line next to us. JUST MARY has become a regular and she was brought in the circle for being so beautiful in her new HASH T-SHIRT. BATTERIES AND HORN-E got down downs for bringing virgins?? What's wrong with that? The Hares drank numerous times which maybe why ITS TOO SOFT did hang his flag upside down. VIRTUALLY HUNG and SMELL THIS sang us the MONKEY POX song, which we had not heard in a while. The circle lasted for about 40 minutes and then the Food took about 2 hours to cook.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM