The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1506 @ Blue Frog

Hash Trash: 8/27/07
Hares: At Your Cervix, Just Chris, and Mouthful of Meat
Venue: Blue Frog bar and Grille

I guess the best name for this hash was attack of the virgins because we had 14 virgins and 48 total hashers for the virgin trail of Just Chris and At Your Cervix. The GM knew that many virgins had e-mailed that they were cumming, but I didn't expect this many!! The venue was a perfect hash venue that seemed to be untouched by hares in the past years. I arrived and was quickly moved out of the POP meeting area by JUST LAUREN, SALTED GASH, PACKhER ARSE, LIKES IT ON THE BOTTOM, and JUST JULIE. I can't wait to see what they have planned for the POP hash on OCT. 13, 2007.

I was kept busy collecting money and talking to the new people until the hash was ready to start. The hares of AT YOUR CERVIX, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT and JUST CHRIS gave us a chalk talk in the parking lot and seemed to do a creditable job because they didn't lose any virgins on trail but they did manager to lose a few old hashers. The funniest comment of the night came from ROTTEN WHORE who said, "If you get lost look for the crane that was above the Blue Frog." Problem was when you really looked around there were at least 4 cranes in the general area not to mention the other ones we ran around. The pack was off and the trail went north to division Street. JUST CHRIS for the first half of the trail did a great job keeping the FRB flag out in front.

VIRTUALLY HUNG took the FRB spot and began to snoop out the trail. TWO TICKETS and CHIP-N-DALE also seemed to be out in front as well. The trail turned east and south after crossing Clark and Division and it was here where JUST PATRICK and I took the lead and found trail running down the strip of bars on Clark. On trail I got to meet people like BLACK WIDOW, JUST MOLLY, and JUST JARRED all of these people seemed to be enjoying the trail. The trail turned east again and hit Michigan Avenue, where JUST MOLLY and I found the long straight trail that made its way to the Water Tower across from the John Hancock building. Here I should have listened to JUST MOLLY who found trail going east , but I found trail going west and got most of the pack to follow me. Unfortunately we think that the American Girl store erased F or false mark in front of their store. The good news is that most of the pack eventually came back to the check and found true trail that ran to Lake Shore Drive with another straight away to Grand Avenue where we went left with JUST MELISSA and JUST LUCY leading the way in to the Beer stop. It was funny when the lifeguard at the Oak Street beach tried to tell us we can't blow or whistles while running.

I wonder what he did after I passed and 30 hashers with whistles ran behind me? We got to the beer stop, which was the deck of AT YOUR CERVIX, and most hashers made it except for HORN-E who got lost on trail. The 45 plus people enjoyed some beer and then took off running west to the bar about a mile away. JUST MARADA kept telling me how much fun he had along with JUST JULIE.

The circle was formed after many hashers like MUDSUCKER stuffed their faces with free hotdogs from the bar. SMELL THIS called CHIP-N-DALE and I out for the FRB, and I believe JUST LORI for FBI? The circle ran for about minutes until the bartender Cliff loaded us up with free shots of whiskey. After the circle a game of flippy cup was stared by SEX LUTHOR, JUST STEPHEN, SMELL THIS, LIKES IT ON BOTTOM, and JUST LARUEN. Later still many hashers started to exchange shirts with each other. Overall this was one wild hash and great trail!!! Make sure you look at the pictures from ITS TOO SOFT for more elaborate visual proof of the fun times we had!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1505 @ J&M Tap

Hash Trash: 8/20/07
Hares: Just Gordan, Virgin Banger, Asspocket
Venue: J & M Tap

The hash started from the familiar confines of J & M Tap at 7:30 pm after the hash got time to greet OH SHIT!! from SF and got properly lubed up with beer. The three musketeers of JUST GORDAN, VIRGIN BANGER, and ASSPOCKET gave us a chalk talk while MUDSUCKER tried to hit on a new blond hasher asking for directions to next weeks hash. The hash went North and OH SHIT and JUST JIM picked up the trail going east after a check. We passed numerous churches on this run with golden domes that signified the Eastern Orthodox religion. The trail went north with the pack following RHOTAN as the new FRB. We came to the high school of Clemente and found a bad check that led us north again through a parking lot. I got lost on trail here and somehow wound up being the FRB running thru the alleys picking up a stray mark on trail. Horn-e caught up to me by short cutting and soon we were working together looking for trail near the corner of North and Damen. I finally found trail going through a park and around its fountain, but TWO TICKETS, RHOTAN, FAGNOSTIC, and LEARNING TO BLOW caught me again. I cut out to Milwaukee Avenue and saw ORGE running right at me on trail. I made another wrong turn but soon made it to the beer stop at SMELL THIS’s casa. We picked up a new virgin, JUST LISA, on trail and it was funny to watch hashers like HORN-E, JUST CHRIS and others take their turns drooling over this pretty blonde!!! The hash stayed here for about 10 minutes and left for a second beer stop. As we were cumming down to run HOOKED ON TONICS, BONER, JUST FAITH, and JUST PATTI with OH SHIT!! Were just arriving oh darn!

The trail wound through Wicker Park and finally finished at the other house of VIRGIN BANGER. I didn’t know he was a slumlord? The pack enjoyed another beer stop and waited for JUST HEAHER, JUST JOHN, and JUST JENN to arrive. I ran back to the beer sop with LEARNING TO BLOW to buy humongous quantities of beer for the thirsty hash when they arrived.

The Pack entered the bar and took over the place. NRB’s ITS TOO SOFT, AT YOUR CERVIX, RENTA VIRGIN, HOT PANTS, CARPET SHAGGER, BARKS ON ALL FOURS and MAN A WHORE joined the circle. The FRB’s were ORGE and JUST CHRIS because we had two beer stops. The DFL’s were JUST PATTI, JUST FAITH, JUST TOM, and OH SHIT!! Punishment was given out to AT YOUR CERVIX for being really late, and RHOTAN got a down down for being himself. JUST TOM our new virgin was advised of rights in the hash and shown how to do a proper down down by ORGE. HOOKED ON TONICS was being her usual playful self near the entrance to the cooler, and BONER really loved it. JUST ROBIN will now have new Chicago haberdashery, and the GM forgot to give ASSPOCKET her whistle and lanyard. SPOTTED COCK was showing great interest in the Bears game, which the BEARS did win 27-24 that night. JUST LISA assures us she will be back next week but had to leave early to get back home for all of the guys out there!!!

Finally the circle was closed but was soon reopened for namings. The CHICAGO HASH brought JUST PATTI JUST FAITH, and JUST JOHN into the circle for possible names. two of these hashers have been hashing for over 7 months before they have been named and they received a name that even has a story behind! JUST PATTI has been hashing since December and she has an interesting talent of being able to do the splits against the wall. Suggestions for names were wall banger, wall pounder, and spread’em wide, but her name will be W’all BANGHER. JUST FAITH hash hashed now for 7 months and early in the evening said she didn’t want her loose lips to give her a name. She should have told that to JUST TOM, her roommate, because after his loose lips spoke we named her ANAL ASSAULT. Finally, we came to JUST JOHN who has hashed since May. He made the mistake of wearing his man bag to the hash and it was bright green. The hash picked up on this and tried to name him man sac, man bag, hairy man sac, toxic man sac, but he will be known as MOLDY MAN SAC!! Congrats on your names and your funny stories that go with them. Thanks also to the CH3 for waiting to name these people for over 7 months, in one case, with a great name. Now we need to work on names for JUST CHRIS, JUST HEATHER, and JUST JENN who have been hashing with us since May.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1502 @ Gladstone Lounge

The Chicago Hash 7/30/07 by Horn-E

I got there first. Yes, me. But soon I was joined by Virtually Hung and the pack started to assemble. Our Hares were Lower Wackoff and Bloody Thighs out of the Gladstone Inn. After the two hour trail that Lower Wackoff set last Fri for the Full Moon hash, and the subsequent write-up, it was interesting to see who showed up. Naturally, all four of us from Fri showed, expecting another great trail. It was good, but it was still light out when we got in.

We anticipated another woods hash and it was a bit of street running to get to the woods. Or G was one of the early leaders and leaders throughout and Virtually Hung was near the front the whole way. I did my best to stay up with them and the other Full Moon hashers from last Fri, Spotted Cock and EZ On The Ass were up near the front too. We just love the woods. The other hasher near the front was Just Allen on his second hash. He loved the woods too.

We entered the woods near the storm drain to the west of Central. From here we ran along the river to the east and Central Park. We crossed the bridge to the north and found a Check. I was heading for the river when I heard the On call. We headed further north in the woods. Eventually we came to the end of the woods where we headed west along a road. We finally headed back north in the woods, but on a wide path. At Devon we had a Check. Or G was returning from the west saying he heard Spotted Cock yell On to the east, and across the track. A train was coming, but you know those famous last words of everyone ever hit by a train, "I didn't think it was going that fast." That was Or G as he beat the train and left us all behind. Across the tracks we had a short little T and E Split. I headed into the woods and with a small pack behind me, we did a short loop and were back on the tracks behind the Turkeys. They were On a mark on the railroad ties. But there weren't any more marks. So we returned a bit. Apparently there was a not so obvious turn arrow hidden by an old T-Shirt. At least that is the story I got from Calvin Klein. Naturally the Hare had a different explanation. But I didn't wait for them. I headed through the woods and found several arrows on the parking lot driveway. We were on and I blew my horn. But as soon as I got in the woods, I lost the trail. Eventually the pack arrived and Virtually Hung spotted some mark on a log. Then EZ On The Ass got us going in the right direction. I had ranged in that direction and led us through another short loop and back to Central at the bridge. Yes, the same bridge we crossed some time back, but on the other side of the road. Virtually Hung and Or G passed me on the bridge and at the other side of the bridge we entered the woods again. Virtually Hung found a Split and led us through this short section of woods with Just Allen right behind me. We entered a clearing and we were soon at beer with our favorite beer bear watching over the beer. And Bloody Thighs too.

We gathered over some beers and watched the rest of the pack arrive. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Mouthful Of Meat arrived last. yes, Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs ran, with a shoulder harness for her broken collar bone and a chest harness for......You know. Mouthful Of Meat always says she doesn't like shiggy, but she enjoyed this one. Maybe we can get her back for another. As long as there is no deep water. Mid thigh is high enough. Anything higher is unsanitary. I'll try to warn her in the future. Batteries Not Included and Erect da Red got in just before them. Chicken Stiffer got a hold of the block of ice cubes frozen together and decided to ride it down hill. He did. No one else was able to do it and he did it twice. Can you imagine those lanky drumsticks and wings flapping as he tried to keep his balance with this hugh block of ice shoved up his......Well not quite. But he did it and no one else could. Lower Wackoff finally retired our beer bear. His B. O. was getting intolerable according to Bloody Thighs. He will be missed by the Moon hashers. He was released to the wilds and promptly headed for the porta potty. He was a bit early for hibernation. I wish I could have seen the next human type to open that door and see a polar bear sitting there taking a dump. Well, that should answer the question once and for all, "Does a bear shit in the woods." Not when there is a porta potty available.

We finally headed back. The long way. EZ On The Ass led us on our last little shot through the woods. When we finally emerged, Chicken Stiffer was back in his element and led us out of there. But he took a wrong Split and I followed Or G, Just Pitt and Just Heather back towards the bar. Eventually I pulled up to Virtually Hung and we walked the last hundred yards together.

Calvin Klein called the circle together and Virtually Hung headed out the door. He was afraid of all of those down downs for being FRB, so Or G got it. The hares got many. I got o few. We all got a few. And then we finally settled into $4 pitchers of beer. The last to leave were the EZ On The Ass, Spotted Cock, Or G, myself, Lower Wackoff and Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs. A good hash and a nice little On In.

Tale of the Trail Chicago #1501 @ Cork & Kerry

Monday, July 23

Monday night brought a fresh round of hash reinforcements to the far South Side hood of Beverly for Chicago #1501 (yes, we don't waste any time 'round here). For those who have never been, Beverly is like almost 1/3 of the way to Indy! Milk My Yak (who is also the hasher who fabricated the legendary Keg Hoist) set what I heard was a great trail out of Cork & Kerry @ 106th & Western. As it took me nearly 2 hours to get there from the far NORTH suburbs where I work I missed the entire trail but heard the beer stop was at Mount Me's crib on Rockwell.

For those who don't know, this cat is like the only hasher I know of that has more train noise than me (trust me the mile long Union Pacific freight trains that rip by at 90 miles an hour made even this hardened rail-proximity veteran think an earthquake was in progress first time I heard it at 4am when I crashed there following the South Side Irish Parade).

Anyhow yet another beautiful night out in beer garden at Cork and Kerry and the hash enjoyed a good circle and the wonderful traffic of the Dan Ryan Expressway construction on our way back to civilization after that. Sorry no pictures because my camera was still recovering from 1500 but hats off to handful of us that did all four days. We got a down-down for that, and as God is my witness, I will never drink again. Really....

Party on on,

ITS