Tail of the Trail – Chicago Varsity Hash #1551 – 6.30.08 @ Piano Man

 Here's a pic from the backyard at Piano Man. More pix on the nav bar to the left. Great tour thru West Lakeview/Wrigleyville on Monday!

Payback!
 
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed Last Day of June 2008, 7PM
Piano Man
 
CHICAGO #1551 – So what happens exactly a week after the Cubbies sweep the Sox at Wrigley?  Payback!  The Sox clean up at the Cell placing the two teams at a dead tie.  Well, for those who haven’t purchased riot gear for the potential White Sox-Cubbies World Series, you should probably plan on camping out at ODOR EATER’s or EZ ON THE ASS’s during that time.  THE ENEMA CANAL and JUST JULIA are pretty much screwed since they live in that borderland between the 35th and Addison Red Line Stops way outside of the “Green Zone.” 
 
But enough apocalyptics, the hash found itself in the fairly quiet and somber Piano Man where the residents of Wrigleyville (Are they called Wrigleys?  You know like the Whos from Whoville?) were definitely not celebrating.  Being that this was a BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and CALVIN KLEIN trail we were all expecting a long trail full of heartbreak.  Some hashers such as HOOSIER DADDY and CROP DUSTER remember the Beer Near followed by a Beer Very Near followed by a Beer Very Very Near from the last trail those two hares laid.
 
CALVIN, ever the considerate one, brought out the virgins JUST KAWIKA and JUST MATT closer to the Chalk Talk so that they would be guaranteed to be lost later in the trail.  We also had a visit from PROSTATE PIRATE AAARRGH! who was in town for a confAAARRRence.  We also had a dog, CHEESE, who is part of the HAPPY ASS GRABBER family.  And as soon as CALVIN got tired of explaining marks we were all off to find the trail.
 
BAGSQUEEZER  and JUST JOHN set off ahead of everyone else while the virgins were warned that following ENEMA, ROTTEN WHORE, or HORN-E could result in being lost for quite a while as those three are terrible SCBs(Short Cutting Bastards).  After a couple of checks we were soon joined by THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER and TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR OF THIGHS.  When we finally arrived at the Beer Stop, ww met up with ONE HANDED TYPIST who was lounging about waiting for SUPER STUF’HER to arrive so they could feed the bottomless pits of their stomachs.  As we began to become refreshed in the oh so hot sandwich shop.  Apparently the heat was too much for some as IT’S TOO SOFT felt it necessary to take the Clark 22 bus back to Piano Man.        
 
So CALVIN and ENEMA held circle as chefs JUST I LEAN and CUMS ON I LEAN tended to grilling dogs.  So what happened other than ROTTEN WHORE never leaving the virgins alone?  Well apparently ODOR EATER mistook ROTTEN WHORE for LOWER WACKOFF which is just plain odd.  Oh yes, I almost forgot, we celebrated the loss of the Cubs with song and merriment.  We also had to call out MAGENTIC MUFF and SIR POOPS A LOT for not calling out other people.  So who wanted to win the hash this time?  Well it was JUST BILL with his triathlon shirt who had this overpowering urge to get back first.  CROP DUSTER on the other hand distracted JUST JULIA and led her into the bar ensuring that she would be the FBI(First Bimbo In), just edging out TWO TICKETS.  Of course that meant the DFL(Dead Fucking Last) was R-TARD-E that was until MUDSUCKER showed up later only to be later followed by MOUNT SCHWIIINGA.   
    
 
HARES (2): Calvin Klein and Batteries Not Included
VIRGINS (4): Just Matt, Just Kawika, Just Jeff, Just Zack
VISITORS (1): Prostate Pirate Aaarrgh! (Charleston, South Carolina)
HASHERS (33): Bagsqueezer, Smelly Concha, The Enema Canal, Snatchsquatch, Just I Lean, Cums On I Lean, R-Tard-E, Crop Duster, Salty Gash, Sit-n-Pee, One Handed Typist, Magnetic Muff, Just Bill, Just Sarah, Just Julia, Just Kelly, Odor Eater, Rotten Whore, Barry O’Manilow, Horn-E, Happy Ass Grabber, Super Stuf’Her, Mouthful of Meat, 2 Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lochness Cockster, Sir Poops A Lot, Hooked on Tonics, Just John, It’s Too Soft, Hoosier Daddy, Lifa, Lower Wackoff, Benafuckedher
WALKER (3): EZ on the Ass, Mudsucker, Mount Schwiiinga
DOG (1): Cheese (Why do we keep getting dogs? And who pays for them?)
 
CUBS – 0
W. SOX – 3

TOTAL HASHERS – 38 and 5 Walk-ins (2 of them being Virgins)
 
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Mount Schwiiinga was voted MVP of her kickball team. 

---------

Hare(s): Batteries Not Included & Calvin Klein
Venue: Piano Man - 3801 N. Clark St. Chicago
Hash Cash: Still just $8 despite CH3 attendance rising faster than Cubs fans' hopes! Chicago 1550 = 67 hashers &  Chicago JV 1 = 17 hashers means last week CH3 drew 84 which I believe is a record for a regular week!

Great divey bar with a great outdoor patio. They usually let us use their grille so if ya wanna bring along something grillable you can! The hares got us $5 pitchers (in Wrigleyville, on a night the Cubs game is on TV no less!!!) and use of the patio so it's gonna be a Loooooong night!!!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Addison, hoof it a block West along the Southern edge of Wrigley Field to Clark and then two blocks North to Grace.

From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Addison, CTA Addison #152 bus East to Clark, hoof it two blocks North on Clark to Grace.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Clark & Grace. Parking is usually findable as the Cubbies are in San Francisco that night further North along Clark by the cemeteries, or even East of Clark on Irving Park a couplea blocks el Norte.

Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1549 6.16.08 @ Lottie's in Bucktown

Here's pic from Lottie's at the Circle Closing Ceremonies (yes, there is alliteration in the hash) where one of our hares Giddy Up is expressing some serious nonverbal commentary on something I did not catch because it was behind my shooting angle. Probably lost to history now, but the rest of the past is now captured in current perpetuity in the Fujirazzi pix on the website and at http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=kuxb1a3.6214odv7&x=0&y=rb8h3t&localeid=en_US

OMG WE had 52 hashers at Mondays run!!  Since there were so many please let me know if i missed someone on the list below so I can included them in the attendance sheets.  Great work by our NEW RA THE Enema Canal and much thanks go to our hash cash and beer mistress CUMS on I LEAN.  HOPE TO SEE you next week on CH3 MONDAY night 30th anniversary Hash.  933 W. Wolfram.  YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS THIS HASH!!!!  Many special things are planned!!!

Chicken Stiffer
CH3-GM

--------

Laying Trail Sucks. Literally.

Hashed 16 June 2008, 7PM
Lottie’s (Dottie, We Likes to Party)  

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times 

CHICAGO #1549 –  Just ask GIDDY UP. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything she’s ever experienced, she discovers that her co-hare, VIRTUALLY HUNG, is a vampire.  And Surprise! Now she’s one too.  For some hares, the whole running-and-drinking thing would have been a deal breaker.  But VIRTUAL and GIDDY UP are hashers, and they vow to work through their Checks. 

But word has it that the hare who initially laid trail wasn’t supposed to be recruiting.  Even worse, VIRTUAL’s erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a red-haired Austin call girl named (duh) BRRR!  And that really sucks.

If you recently picked up the literary gem “You Suck” by Christopher Moore, not only did you have an instant savings of $3.49 from Borders but THE ENEMA CANAL now has your book for safe keeping since the staff at 1925 W. Cortland will watch your bags but they are not keeping a library.  

With the weather getting warmer one has to wonder if Hashers actually have some legal form of employment because the number of hashers showing up for Monday night is getting to the point where we are taking over the bars.  “Now seating party of 40!”  There are always your familiar faces like CUMS ON I LEAN, HORN-E, and JUST I LEAN.  And there are the less than frequent like INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN, UP LOADER, MOLDY MAN SAC and JUST AMANDA.  But now we are getting people we ran out of town like PRICK OF THE LITTER who lives down in Nashville town.  It doesn’t matter as long as everyone pays their Hash Cash and makes an attempt to get lost (which is why you pay first.)  

We also had a high number of virgins, 7 total (Mohammed has 4 and 20 virgins [with comments like this I’m going on the naughty list like Salman Rushdie]).  JUSTs RENI, MANDY, MARTHA, EVA, ANDREA, EMILY, and JENNA for one reason or another showed up with probably not the slightest idea of what was to happen.  Of course they should be okay as VIRTUAL’s explanation of Hash Marks is always easy to understand.  I still believe that DR. FUCKS A LOT from Buffalo (He didn’t go to 4 years of fucking medical school to be called “mister”) was still confused how we did things here.  We introduced ourselves to the virgins while TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR OF THIGHS tried to blend in with them.  And then we dispersed like a flash mob hopped up on caffeine.    

The day that JUST JOHN was introduced to hashing, the FRBs must have taught him all the wrong things ass he was passing up THE PORCELAIN GOD and CROP DUSTER on the trail.  Meanwhile JUST AMY was busy chatting about awesome yoga stretches with her virgin.  W’ALL BANGHER was looking very determined to be one of the front runners as she was prepared with her blue knee pads.  As for CHICKEN STIFFER and HORN-E, if past experiences serve me well, they were probably far off trail hoping to find a short cut. 

The hares, whom still suck, were particularly mean today as they circle jerked and zig-zagged the trail back and forth.  LIFA enjoys these trails while R-TARD-E is just trying to be the DFL, again and again and again.  Which brings us to our non-descript beer stop which at least one hasher almost ran right by.  ENEMA played a cruel joke on HORN-E by handing him an empty beer (acceptable hash behavior) to which HORN-E replied by opening his slightly shaken beer into ENEMA’s ear (also acceptable).  CUMS ON I LEAN somehow beat all the other bimbos and was actually the FBI to the beer stop which means that all the others should be ashamed on themselves to losing to a “ Walker ” (Not that this is competitive by any means.)   

So let’s fast forward to the On-In.  Multiple hashers decided to harass our waitress with food orders thereby preventing the free flow of beer, shame on all of you involved especially JUST ALEXIS who should feed her tapeworm before she leaves the house.  Amazingly a lot of NRB showed up to include MOUNT SCHWIINGA , TOO MUCH HEAD, WRAPPER SNATCHER, SALTY GASH, JUST CLAIRE, and I LIKE DICK (who oddly enough was behaving).  BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and CUMS ON I LEAN were of immense help keeping vessels wet with the good stuff as the very noisy circle was going on, exhausting the Apprentice RAs repertoire of songs.  Speaking of songs, we all learned it is hard to say “THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER has two but very small” fast enough to get to the next line.

HARES (2.5): Giddy Up, Virtually Hung, Giddy Up’s Driver
VIRGINS (7): Just Reni, Just Emily, Just Mandy, Just Martha, Just Eva, Just Andrea, Just Jenna

VISITORS (3): Dr. Fucks a Lot (Buffalo), Prick of the Litter (Nashville), BRRR (Austin)
HASHERS [with almost half being NRBs] (39): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lockness Cockster, Its Too Soft, Chicken Stiffer, Horn-E, 867-5309, Too Much Head, Wrapper Snatcher, The Porecelain God, Sit-n-pee? (Just Ed), The Enema Canal, UpLoader, Salty Gash, EZ on the Ass, Likes it on the Bottom, R-Tard-E, W’all Bangher, Batteries not Included, Cums on I Lean, Just I Lean, Mouthful of Meat, Just Alexis, Just Claire, Just Nettie, Mount Schwiiinga, Just John, More Tail, Moldy Man Sac, I Like Dick, Just Amy, Mudsucker, Sir Poops a Lot, International Virgin, Crop Duster, Risky Business, Just Brett, Just Amanda, and Lifa

TOTAL: 52 Peeps

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Hashers are placed in alphabetical order by favorite movie.

Favorite movie of Two Tickets is: Annie

Favorite movie of Lifa is: Waterworld

___________________

Hare(s): Giddy Up & Virtually Hung
Venue: Lottie's Pub - 1925 W. Cortland Ave.
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite losing lotsa $$ betting on Big Brown's spectacular Triple Crown flameout at the Belmont Stakes.

Hollywood glitterati welcomes the new comedy team of Virtual and Giddy Up as they combine forces for a trail we kit up for outside the Green Zone in the Eastern Kandahar Province. Max out on grenades & ammo cuz this one's probably going to get "hot".

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Fullerton, Brown Line to Armitage, pause briefly to gaze at the Lincoln Park Trixies and Chads before boarding the Armitage #73 bus to Winchester, hoof it a couple blocks South to Cortland. Da bar iz @ Cortland & Winchester a block from where Flash used to live. If you get to Damen you spaced out and missed the bar.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Damen, walk northernly about a quarter of a mile, then east on Cortland one block.  Lottie's Pub is on the southwest corner.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and schlep your sled to Armitage and Damen and find a place to park.  Lottie's is one block south of Armitage and one block east of Damen.  Parking is a pain despite being this far outside of the Green Zone, but usually available.

Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1548 – 6.9.08 @ Time Out Sports Bar

For those following the news, Jim McKay, an old school ABC sports commentator passed away this past weekend and this particular set of pix reminded me of what he used to call "the thrill of victory". We'll save his "agony of defeat" pic for a later time. Jim, I raise a glass in your memory.

Hash Trash: 6/9/08
Hares: Super Stuf’her, Mouthful of Meat, Just I Lean
Venue: Time Out Sports Bar
VIRGINS: Just Cynthia, Just Betsy, Just Karina
VISITORS: Footloose and Panty Free
HASHERS: One Penis Full, Zero to Sixty, Horn-e, Just John, Just Brett, Just Ray, Mount Schwiiinga, Milk My Yak, Just Angelle, More Tail, Risky Business, Lifa, Cumma Slutra, Hoosier Daddy, Just Amanda, Just Sooz, Just Amy, R-Tard-E, Chicken Stiffer, Mud Sucker, Bloody Thighs, Just Tim, Just Julia, Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included, Cums on I Lean, Giddy Up, Its Too Soft, Carpet Shagger, I Like Dick, Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off, Bag Squeezer, Just Alexis

VIRGINS= 3
VISITORS= 1
TOTAL HASHERS= 40

The afternoon began ominously with heavy rains at 2 pm but CALVIN our Religious Advisor (RA) made a deal with mother nature and got us great running weather at 7:30 pm. MOUTHFUL OF MEAT gave us instructions for the trail paying great attention to details so our virgins would know what to do on trail. Her only mis-step was she left out they were using red flour on trail but what the hell. JUST CYNTHIA, JUST BETSY, and JUST KARINA decided to try this hash thing for the first time and hopeful we will see them again next week. Mouthful finished with the chalk talk and pointed us to go north. The Pack was off and soon had traffic stopped at the corner of Rockwell and LeLand. LIFA and JUST JOHN looked to be leading the pack through the beautiful but puddle filled Ravenswood area. FOOTLOOSE and PANTY FREE was kind enough to show the GM which way the hares went, and they went NW across Lawrence. Again you couldn’t have asked for a better night to hash with the temps only in the low 70’s all night.

We had plenty of help on trail with hashers like BLOODY THIGHS, CALVIN, LIFA, and CHICKEN STIFFER marking trail for the slower hashers. The trail ran close to the house of JUST AMANDA and VIRGIN BANGER but then turned back south through Lincoln Square. JUST TIM was leading the pack and the hares tried to be funny by laying a circle jerk but most of the back of the pack caught it and ran straight down the alley instead of wasting their energy. The pack found trail going thru Welles Park across from O’Lanagans, a great hasher bar, in the past. The Check here was a little confusing but MORE TAIL along with others figured it out. HORN-E was pointing people to run south but ran west himself down Montrose?

Later we caught up with him on trail talking to Ex-GM MUDSUCKER. The next check was on Irving Park near the River and our good Friend BAG SQUEEZER found trail going west on the south side of Irving Park but it eventually crossed back over and went to the corner of Kimball and ADDISON. Here the hares were lucky because there was a drinking fountain on trail that the pack used. The pack had a choice of an eagle-turkey split here and JUST ALEXIS and JUST CYNTHIA went on the eagle trail with no hesitation. I believe JUST JULIA, BAG SQUEEZER, and CUMMA SLUTRA went right with them on the longer trail. MUDSUCKER, JUST ANGELLE, RISKY BUSINESS, and some others ran thru the park doing the turkey trail. I waited around for Calvin and we did the Eagle trail after I marked the Turkey split as the ON-ON trail for our walkers. CALVIN and I caught up with HOOSIER DADDY on the other side of the park and along with JUST ANGELLE we ran into the beer stop at Sunnyside Park?

The Park was full of mosquitoes and they seemed to be having a field day on JUST BETSY because she kept hitting herself again and again. JUST AMY enjoyed the fine can of Schlitz she found in the cooler while most got stuck with a fine beer from the Czech Republic called Budweiser. We finished our beers and meandered back to the bar 4 blocks away. Back at the bar we had to wait for a couple of locals to finish pool and then beg to get the music turned down but eventually we got the circle going. MANY THANKS GOES TO CUMS ON I LEAN for dealing with the bartender who was not a pleasant person tonight even though the hares got the ok from the bar owner to use his bar.

CALVIN got the circle running and preceded to handout out down-downs for FRB’s, DFL’s, and RE-boots. WE got BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF, Mount Schwiinga, CARPET SHAGGER, and ITS TO SOFT for not even running trail. JUST TIM was accused of farting on trail in front of CUMMA SLUTRA and was nailed for it or was CUMMA SLUTRA nailed? JUST ALEXIS seemed to be using technology on trail but come on she’s an urologist and has to be on call in case someone’s inflates blow! I LIKE DICK even decided to make it to the ON-IN after work and boy did the group miss DICK and he even got his 3.2 down-downs. GIDDY UP announced that the CH3 hash is next week MONDAY JUNE 16 at Lotties in the BUCK TOWN neighborhood. JUST SOOZ and JUST AMY were making merry in the corner and it was nice for JUST SOOZ to make this her second hash in 6 months? 

 CALVIN finally ended this circle of death and many hashers went their own ways. The hash did get together to perform a couple of namings tonight. JUST TIM who we tried to name last week was honored with the name of “CROP DUSTER” for his flatulence on trail. JUST ANGELLE was given the “INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN” because every overseas hash she goes to she claimed she was just a virgin. See you next week and plan for the 30th ANNIVERSARY on JUNE 23, 2008!!!

Chicken Stiffer
CH3-GM

_______

Hare(s): Super Stuff'her & Mouthful of Meat
Venue: Time Out Sports Bar - 4641 N Rockwell
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite OMG the Cubs having the best record in baseball since the First Roosevelt Administration (1908)! Live long enough you'll see everything and possibly something else too. I predict a Cubs World Series victory in October 5046. You heard it here first.

Come join Super Stuff'her (and Mouthful of Meat) as he celebrates his 12th birthday in Hash out in the mythical land of dragons & unicorns abd where the Brown Line runs on the GROUND! 

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Belmont, Briown Line to Rockwell, bar is like Party Central, i.e. right next to the Brown Line Station at Rockwell & Eastwood.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Jefferson Park, Lawrence #81 bus East to Rockwell, hoff it 1-1/2 blocks South to Eastwood & Rockwell.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Eastwood & Rockwell. Parking is fairly plentiful this far outside of the Green Zone, just not on the L tracks, please. There is just something juar so wrong about da L being on da ground!

Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1547 6.2.08 @ Weather Mark Tavern

Here's a picture of a group down down from the Weather Mark where I think people were called out into the circle for some horrific hash crime like breathing air or being right-handed. More pix available on the nav bar or the "pictures" link and as per ritual & custom click on the full link to read yet another of Enema Canal's wonderful Hash Trashes!

It’s Naughty-cal!
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed the 2nd of June 2008 , 7:30PM ( 8:30 Eastern)
The Weather Mark

CHICAGO #1547 – Get ready to put on your big yellow rubbers including those funny hats because we’re hashing out of a Sox and Seamen themed bar. On second thought with the way the heat has been lately it’s very likely that you may overheat, pass out, and then require rescue breathing from MR. CHEESECAKE. Okay so put on those running shoes, wrap up your broken metacarpals, and make sure you are wearing pants because it’s time to scare the local South Loop population.

It’s not every hash that we get to follow trail out of South Loop (Not SoLo…I mean seriously, I don’t know who thinks it’s cool to call it SoLo, but enough is enough) and as such this was quite a treat for those that arrived. After much discussion, THE ENEMA CANAL and MAGNETIC MUFF decided to lead the pack on a scenic route through Museum Park as opposed to the scenic run around the 1st District Police HQ. Meanwhile, IT’S TOO SOFT was contemplating if he should get another Snickers bar from the vending machine. Anticipating multiple FRBs, the hares went a little crazy with Checks, Falses, and Splits all around the area.

After a grueling hour and half of laying trail, the hares returned to see that HOOSIER DADDY and JUST BRETT had arrived along with others. EZ ON THE ASS was there which meant that there was probably nobody watching any of the prisoners (I don’t think that is in Jody Weis’s plan). Cuming up on 9:30PM Nova Scotia time, we started heading out for the traditional chalk talk. Virgins JUST ALEXIS, JUST AMY, and JUST JESSICA were brought forward so they could get a look at the marks which they’ll likely ignore anyways. We then went around the circle calling out our names to no-one in general and then took off towards the safety of the North. Some of the group must have seen the wild look in the hares’ eyes as STUPID MAN (Not so stupid now, huh?), STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and CUMS ON I LEAN decided to stay back at the bar after the introductions. MAGNETIC MUFF swept the trail while THE ENEMA CANAL readied the Beer Stop.

JUST I LEAN and the easily distracted R-TARD-E were the first to come upon the first False which came off a split in the first 5 minutes of the run. Then within the first 10 minutes of the run, the pack came upon their first Turkey/Eagle Split which some completed and others like JUST JULIA decided to ignore (cum to think about it, who gave her authorization to modify her hash uniform and ignore current regulations?). For those that didn’t run it, the Eagle trail was 20 feet longer than the 230 foot long Turkey . IT’S TOO SOFT was trying to see if he could break through that porno firewall that the IT guys put in last week; he was unsuccessful and called it a day. The trail then took everyone closer towards 11th street and then on over towards the lake as they encountered the second Turkey/Eagle Split.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and HOOSIER DADDY opted to take the lakeside Eagle route so that they could pretend to be normal runners as they went around the Shedd Aquarium. JUST I LEAN was close behind and almost broke his other metacarpals as he scaled the blocks at the end of the Eagle, while CHICKEN STIFFER was being tripped and mugged behind the Shedd. At about this time ITS TOO SOFT was getting into his car and started to head down towards the “Green Zone” and STUPID MAN was ordering another beer (he wasn’t winded either). As the pack rejoined, they started heading through the Police Memorial Path and then past Soldier Field. CHICKEN was leading the way towards the McCormick Place and was first up the back entrance (or side entrance). From his vantage point, ENEMA spotted 867-5309 hopping up and down with her hands raised in victory like Rocky when she reached the top of the McCormick Place.

At about this time the pack worked their way up to the land bridge between the two sides of the McCormick. JUST JESSICA and CUMA SLUTRA were looking at the last split and debated trying the non-conspicuous door which opened when they tried it. HORN-E quickly spun around and followed the rest of the pack through the McCormick. So what did they see in there? Well apparently someone was working late on their laptop and looked up to see the kennel run by, which perplexed him to no end, along with the cleaning crews. As for the infamous security, they were just as dumbfounded as they stood outside of the Hyatt entrance only to see more than 20 people run by them. IT’S TOO SOFT was, on the other hand, dumbfounded by the lady on the cell phone that just forcibly merged into his lane only to stop at the light while it was still yellow. He was so dumbfounded that he wanted to take his Oscar Mayer whistle and plug it up her tailpipe.

Clearing the McCormick, JUST JULIA was the first to discover the Beer Stop. Secluded, out-of-the way, and with cars covered in cement (just splashes, not completely) the Beer Stop featured Old Style and Bud Light. As STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM said “We walked half a mile from a bar with good beer for Old Style! Oh Boy!” While some claim that she was being sarcastic, I know that she really was having trouble expressing her feelings of joy. Sort of like IT’S TOO SOFT was having trouble expressing his feelings through his middle finger to the rest of the Lincoln Park traffic. Instead of taking the 18th Street Walkway, JUST JOAN became our DFL for the Beer Stop.

So, fast forward to the On-In. With the absence of CALVIN KLEIN, ENEMA would have to RA tonight (butterflys, or is it barflys?). While his skills could still use a bit of polish, he was able to make to the end and hit all of the important points.

FRB? Check. FBIs? Check. Announcements? Check. Re-Boots? Check. Virgins? What is your name? Where are you from? Who made you cum? What’s your favorite farm animal? (Did JUST ALEXIS say Crocodile? And did JUST AMY say “Sheep are always good?” Oh, well.) “SIR POOP A LOT will you demonstrate (like you have a choice)?” Thank You. Get out of my circle. DFL? Check. NRBs? Check. IT’s TOO SOFT here? Check. “Okay, vessels on the ground…Men’s version…Women’s version…May the hash go in peace!”
But it wasn’t over, it was time for a naming. 2 Hashers entered for naming (JUST TIM and JUST STEVE) but only one left with a name. And so JUST STEVE was renamed to ICE PRINCESS with the runner up of “Men Only” which was in reference to some sort of bathroom thing (I don’t know). Afterwords, somehow ENEMA, ICE PRINCESS, and CUMA SLUTRA go on to the subject of…kittens…yeah that’s it they were talking about “kittens.” If you don’t believe me just ask BATTERIES.

HARES (Dos!): Magnetic Muff and The Enema Canal
VIRGINS (Tres!): Just Alexis, Just Amy, Just Jessica
HASHER (Catorce!...um 23): Just Brett, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, R-Tard-E, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Tim, Just Julia, Batteries Not Included, Just Amanda, Cuma Slutra, Its Too Soft, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Ice Princess (formerly Just Steve) , EZ on the Ass, Mr. Cheesecake, Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, Just Joan, Horn-E, Chicken Stiffer, and Hoosier Daddy,
TOTAL: 2 Hares and 26 Hashers (or 13 Hashers per Hare)

_____________________________________

Hare(s): The Enema Canal & Magnetic Muff
Venue: The Weather Mark Tavern - 1503 S Michigan Ave
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite record high gas prices making Geo Metros cool again.

 Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Roosevelt. Hoof it over to Michigan Ave like you're headed to a Bears game and then South on Michigan to bar just past Grace O'Malley's diagonally across the street. You can also do the same from the above ground stops at Roosevelt for the Orange and Green Lines.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Jackson, cutover to Red Line to Roosevelt. Hoof it over to Michigan Ave like you're headed to a Bears game and then South on Michigan to bar.

Driving

Hop into your hooptie and cruise to the bar on Michigan between 14th and 16th streets, directly East of Soldier Field.