Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1546 5.25.08 @ Claddagh Ring 4th Annual Memorial Day Hash
Words really can’t describe this so I won’t try. The rest of the Fujirazzi pix are up on the website now on the Pictures link or at Kodak at http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=kuxb1a3.6ft47lgz&x=0&y=-jrvctv&localeid=en_US
Hash Trash – Chicago #1546 4th Annual Memorial Day Hash
20, 20, 24 Hours To Go (202024 hours = 23 years)
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Square in the spring (before it turns into winter), site of the famous Claddagh Ring (now offering Wi-Fi and Guinness at 2306 W. Foster)! This is your starting point for a lovely day that includes fierce competition, light drinking, and of course gentle romping in the grass.
Your day will start off as you and any virgins you bring along will arrive as early as you can for a chance to own one of the highly coveted technical hash t-shirts (limited to the first 30 to show up and pay). With this technical gear, not only will you become an FRB but you will be able to look as good as the hares RENTA VIRGIN, VIRGIN BANGER, and SMELL THIS. Just ask WRAPPER SNATCHER and THE PORCELAIN GOD as they camped out in front of the Claddagh Ring a whole 45 minutes before the On-Out. But remember, it’s not unusual for supplies to run out as early as 1:47 PM.
As the time nears for our 4th annual game of Hide and Go Fu…uh…Seek, you’ll meet old friends such as BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF and 3 X A LADY as well as new friends like Cubbies supporter JUST ED and SALTY GASH’s brother SAVORY GASH (okay, okay, his name is JUST JOHN). So anyways you get to meet people. If you are a longtime hasher you get to meet people you already know, if you’re a virgin hopefully you don’t recognize anybody you work with.
To ensure that your journey is started off in a nice and organized manner, our Hospitality Hares will provide a brief lecture explaining the different types of Hash Marks that you will likely miss without a trained eye. To help contrast with the light grey sidewalk, we’ll use chalk colours (oooh fancy, the Brits use a "U" with color) like pink, white, and gray. If you’re a virgin like JUST MINÉ then just follow HORN-E and the sound of his horn as he leads you somewhere. R-TARD-E will also ensure you get to your destination eventually unless he confuses JUST I LEAN with JUST EILEEN.
Your first destination on your journey will take you around the lovely neighborhoods where you have the option to run through a soccer game. Numerous checks will slow down the FRBs and provide CUNT-N-PASTIES the chance to trip THE ENEMA CANAL, who will barely recover at the last moment. Don’t think that tripping is unacceptable, because it’s not, and neither is running back and forth in the park looking for true trail like DICKENS CIDER. But it will all be worth it as you arrive at the Casa de NO PENETRATION where the first 50 hashers will receive a frosty, aluminum wrapped beverage. But make sure you go to the right place because the other house may be hash friendly and ask "Are you coming in?" but they don’t carry American beer.
From the first Beer Stop we’ll head to the House of BLOODY THIGHS. Along the way you may see ROTTEN WHORE using here phone on trail for some sort of emergency. You can also expect ENEMA to disappear off trail to get sprayed down by perplexed gardeners, leaving DICKENS CIDER to FBI the way in. Once you arrive, pick your teams quickly or you might lose to EZ ON THE ASS’s team which is on a winning streak. The key to Izzy Dizzy is to make sure you don’t hurt yourself when you fall like BAGSQUEEZER. But if you hurt yourself, grab BLOODY THIGHS’s 10 year old frozen peas and wrap them around your hand like JUST I LEAN before you head to the final Beer Stop.
At the final Beer Stop you’ll meet up with JUST STEVE, JUST CRYSTAL, CALVIN KLEIN, and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED who will direct you to a lovely game of "Duck, Duck, Goose." The key is to remember that when you tag your Goose make sure they are slower than you and make sure you have checked the tread on your hashing shoes, you don’t want to slip like JUST JODY. Also it helps to remember where the Goose sat because you don’t want to end up in the middle because you sat in the wrong spot like RENTA VIRGIN and ODOR EATER. Unfortunately, there won’t be a winner as we’ll have to leave early for the On-In.
And when your journey is finally complete, you can expect some fine dining choices from our executive chefs PETERBILT and CALVIN KLEIN (both AAA 4-Diamond chefs, they actually trained Charlie Trotter). After LIFA dons the Cone of Silence he will inevitably harass everyone until they pour beer down his cone. ALCOHOLIDAY will sing "24 Hours I Masturbated" while encouraging people to take a hit from the Flabongo. BRRR from Austin will show that the top of her head is a good place to set down your beer (HMMM) by balancing a sippy cup of beer. Speaking of sippy cups, we like babies but keep them away from the pitchers or we may crush them during Izzy Dizzy (NOTE: SQUEEZE THESE and SPECKIE have confirmed the children are forever traumatized).
So whether you’d rather cum for PETERBILT and CALVIN’s food, or play Flippy Cup with PRINCESS LABIA and MAGNETIC MUFF, or lay on top of other hashers like JUST TIM and THE GREAT LOCKNESS COCKSTER did, cum on out to Californ…er…Lincoln Square. We‘d love to have you out here so you can look through the cupboards and in the oven like ENEMA and DONKEY PUNCH did or just relax playing bags like ASSFLAC and TOO MUCH HEAD. If your lucky you can be a sibling for newly adopted BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF. So book your ticket today and we’ll keep the Goose Island chilled for ya.
HARES (5): Renta Virgin, Smell This, Virgin Banger, Peterbilt, Calvin Klein,
VIRGINS (6): Just John, Just Brett, Just Tony, Just Eileen, Just Krystal, Just Miné
VISITORS (4): Flag No Pole (Aloha H3), Alcoholiday (Vegas), BRRR (Austin, Texas), Donkey Punch (Indyscent)
HASHERS (59): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs; The Great Lockness Cockster; Its Too Soft; Chicken Stiffer; Horn-E; Bag Squeezer; Lower Whackoff; Just Jody; Cuma Slutra; Necropiliac; 867-5309; Too Much Head; Wrapper Snatcher; The Porecelain God; Just Ed; Special Head; The Enema Canal; UpLoader; Stump Humper; Salty Gash; Johnny Cockring; Foot-n-Mouth; Princess Labia; EZ on the Ass; Lifa; Cunt-n-Pasties, Flying Hooters; Bloody Thighs; Likes it on the Bottom; Bank of Spermamerica; R-Tard-E; Takes too long too Cum; Rotten Whore; Odor Eater; Hoosier Daddy; Dickens Cider; 3 x a Lady, Just Steve; W’all Bangher; Batteries not Included; Squeeze These; Speckie; Packher Ass; Cums on I Lean; Just I Lean; Hot Pants; The KGB; Ram Van Thank You Ma’am; Man-o-Whore; Or-G; Asspocket; Just Mark; Just Julia; Just Tim; Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off; Magnetic Muff, Assflac
OTHER NOTEABLES: No Penetration (beer stop 1) and I have no idea who just walked or showed up late.
TOTAL: 69 and 5 hares if we split them. 75 with No Penetration.
________
Hare(s): Virgin Banger, Smell This, Calvin Klein, Peterbilt, and Rent a Virgin
Venue: Claddagh Ring – 2306 W. Foster (Western Brown Line Stop) 773-271-5551
Hash Cash: $15 this will get you great food and first 30 hashers get a free commemorative technical hash t-shirt!!!
Kick off Summer 2008 the right way with the 4th Annual Memorial Day Hash ending at the Virgins’ casa, recently renovated following a burst pipe last winter so lotsa new stuff. Expect the full blown Memorial Day party at the on-in including several kegs of GOOD BEER, tons of great food and party games to keep those whose Ritalin perscriptions have run out entertained!!
A – B run. The B will be at CASA DE VIRGIN BANGER and RENTA VIRGIN.
This classic kickoff to the Summer hashing season drew over 70 hashers last year!
Hash Hotels:
Days Inn Lincoln Park (~$100/night)
Arlington House (~$50/60/night)
Also a few hashers have offered up some Crash space so lease e-mail me if you wish to go this route chickenstiffer@excite.com
http://www.megabus.com/us/ For visitors who wish to travel for cheap.
Chicken Stiffer
CH3-GM
Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit 
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Belmont, Brown Line to Western. Hoof it a few blocks North to Foster and East to Oakley and the bar.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Western. CTA #49 bus North to Foster, hoof it a couple blocks East to Oakley and the bar.
Driving 
Hop into your hooptie whist increasing your already substantial carbon footprint and cruise to Foster & Oakley. Meters on Foster may be open as it’s Sunday, otherwise check side streets for Zone permit restrictions.
Megabus 
Catch your favorite rolling bar to the Windy City and Union Station. Try to arrive by 11am. Walk three blocks East across the river to the Quincy L Stop. Brown line runs counterclockwise through the Loop so stay on the platform closest to the river. Take Brown Line to Western. Hoof it a few blocks North to Foster and East to Oakley and the bar.
Hashed 25 May 2008, 2:17 PM
Chalet von Virgin Banger und Renta Virgin
Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1545 – 5.19.08 @ Double Bubble
Here’s a pic of virgin RA Enema Canal and I Like Dick enjoying well past his average of 3.13 down down’s per hash!
HASH TRASH
Add This To Your Spreadsheet
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 19 May 2008, 7:30 PM
Double Bubble at 6036 N. Broadway
CHICAGO #1545 – "Ummm, this is a little different than I’m used to. The Brown line isn’t this…creepy," said MOUTHFUL OF MEAT as she was heading to the Double Bubble in Uptown. This phrase would foreshadow the idiocy to follow.
Upon learning that the hares for this hash were none other than SUPER STUF’HER, JUST I LEAN, and R-TARD-E; many of the hashers were frightened off as was evident by the high number of JUSTs that showed up. JUST JULIA, JUST SCOTT, JUST SHEDI, JUST JOHN, JUST ANGELLE, and JUST TIFFANY were some of our less frequent JUSTs. Rounding out the JUSTs was JUST TIM and JUST AMANDA (holy crap! We have enough to start up a JUST HHH or a bowling league!)
Apparently R-TARD-E fame has yet to leave the general Chicago area, as we also had three foolish visitors that showed up. MASTERCHUGGER came all the way from Houston along with PIPES who is originally from the Hamersly HHH (I believe it’s a Houston suburb) and finally was CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN from Waukesha. Of the three of them, only PIPES showed enough sense to stay at the Double Bubble and drink while the others ran the trail.
As the "Running of the Hares" approached, R-TARD-E attempted to give his Chalk Talk lecture. Due to the high amount of confusion, CHICKEN STIFFER was forced to step up and act as our R-TARD-ese (or is it R-TARD-ish?) translator. Even with this translation it was evident that our virgin, JUST TIFFANY, may become completely lost even with R-TARD-E sweeping.
Thankfully, we had enough hash veterans that could lead all of our JUSTs to the Beer Stop and then the On-In (we hope). With the introductions complete, we set off heading away from downtown. It wasn’t long until we had discovered that this would definitely be a…what’s the word I’m looking for…hmmm…Oh! That’s it!…A "Shitty" (NOTE: Finger quotes necessary) trail! The 3rd mark we encountered was scratched out because it pointed back to the bar!
For those that weren’t there and those looking to hare, now is the time for "Good Idea, Bad Idea." Good Idea: pre-laying the trail so you don’t have to worry about running your trail before the On-Out. Bad Idea: pre-laying the trail 2 days before the hash! Yes, the hares laid the trail a whole 2 days before.
So, back to the trail. Ahem…So after the 3rd mark we found ourselves running some very long straight-aways which could only mean that the Hares had a special destination for us. JUST TIM, JUST JOHN, and CALVIN KLEIN led the pack most of the way until we started getting into more residential areas that would soon split up the pack. As normal, HORN-E started searching for trail off-trail while CHICKEN did the same. The bimbos were also being competitive that day with MORE TAIL and JUST AMANDA fighting for the pole position.
Most of the Checks and Splits that were left for the pack to run were solved almost immediately by the FRBs with the exception of one, allowing MAGENTIC MUFF and MUDSUCKER to catch up. THE ENEMA CANAL headed west to find trail only to give up and head back to the Check. Upon seeing him I LIKE DICK, with his headphones on and hands in his pocket, be-bopped past ENEMA and asked "So, did you find it?"
3X A LADY was able to pick up the trail and the pack slowly made its way toward the ocean…err…Lake Michigan. Due to rising prices worldwide, the hares were unable to purchase flour for trail (mostly attributed to the food riots at the Aldi on N. Broadway). As such, the trail took us through Hartigan Park where STUF’HER and I LEAN marked every rock they could with chalk. It was also at this park that JUST TIM was caught being chivalrous, allowing a harriette to pass through a gate ahead of him.
After clearing the park, we found ourselves ignoring the Splits that pointed at walls and fences. No-one was planning to climb fences around Loyola with Campus Police patrolling. Bouncing from boulder to boulder JUST JOHN and 3 X A LADY discovered the Beer Stop. Soon everyone arrived with MAGNETIC MUFF taking the last 70° Budweiser, forcing HORN-E and SIR POOPS A LOT to choke down 98.6° Bud Lights. The real surprise was the arrival of CHIPPENDALE, whom arrived last to become our DFL, although he blames the sweeping hare for poor sweepery.
With the warm beer vanquished we headed back to the On-In to meet up with IT’s TOO SOFT and JUST JOAN. With the crowd all gathered CALVIN introduced his RA-in-Training, THE ENEMA CANAL. Unfortunately, with his recent accomplishment of being the FRB, as well as yelling "I LIKE DICK" in a gay bar at Indy Prom Dress; ENEMA dragged CALVIN into a couple of Down-Downs. Fueled with $5 beer pitchers the RA’s struck back.
FBIs CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN and CUMS ON I LEAN were brought in to drink for crime of competiveness. Afterwards MORE TAIL was called out for stripping on trail while JUST TIM was called out for his chivalry. CHICKEN STIFFER was cited for his poor translation of R-TARD-ish, neglecting to tell us of the Turkey and Eagle trails. The bartender was not immune, as he was forced to drink a Down-Down. PETERBILT demonstrated the fastest (and sloppiest) Down-Down to date for our virgin. We all said our farewells to CHIPPENDALE who will willingly(?) welcome us to visit him in Denver (where the shorts go even higher). To celebrate or mourn her birthday, we sang the Birthday Dirge for BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. But of course, the most important task to fulfill was to help raise the average number of down-downs for I LIKE DICK’s spreadsheet.
"What can I say? CALVIN hates me. I do more Down-Downs than anyone else. I do 3.15 Down-Downs per hash. I’ve got a spreadsheet." Well, that number has gone up.
HARE (3) – Just I Lean, Super Stuf’her and R-Tard-E
VISITOR (3) – Master Chugger from Houston HHH, Pipes from Hamersley HHH, Creamin and Screamin from Waukesha HHH (sucks!)
VIRGIN (1) – Just Tiffany
THE PACK (23) – Horn-E, The Enema Canal, Calvin Klein, Just Amanda, Milk My Yak, Just Tim, Sir Poops A Lot, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean, Just Scott, Just Julia, Just Shedi, Just John, 3x A Lady, Mudsucker, Anal Assault, More Tail, Magnetic Muff, Virgin Banger, I Like Dick, Chippendale, Chicken Stiffer & Just Angelle
AT THE BAR (4) – It’s Too Soft, Just Joan, Batteries Not Included, Bag Squeezer, Soar Balls & Peterbilt
TOTAL – 36
________
Hare(s): Just I Lean & R-Tard-E
Venue: Double Bubble – 6036 N Broadway
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite natural disasters sweeping across the Asian continent thus reducing overall world beer production whilst driving increased consumption.
Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Thorndale, hoof it East about a block to Broadway and North on Broadway. Bar actually appears to be roughly equidistant between Thorndale and Granville.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: This is not pretty at all. Blue Line to Jefferson Park, Foster 92 bus to Berwyn Red Line, then de-train at Thorndale, hoof it East about a block to Broadway and North on Broadway.
Driving
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Broadway and Norwood. This is Edgewater so parking should be as plentiful as Democratic Superdelegates defecting to Barack Obama.
Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1544 – 5.12.08 @ The Beaumont
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Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, ROTFL
Hash Trash – Chicago #1544
By The Enema Canal
Chicago TrypoonHashed 12 May 2008 , 7:30 PM
The Beaumont at 2020 N. Halsted
CHICAGO #1544 – Temperatures in and around the “Green Zone” plummeted to all time lows as the Chicago Hash Team prepared to start their regular summer season after last week’s exhibition hash at the Red Apple. After watching from the sidelines during the winter hashes, BAG SQUEEZER set out to lay his first trail with veteran CHICKEN STIFFER backing him up.
The team is looking good this year after recent acquisitions in the free agent market, picking up MORE TAIL in a last minute trade with Boston HHH. This will give more depth to the bench especially with NO PENETRATION still out after his injury during the off-season from riding motorcycles through flaming hoops..
After the chalk talk was completed, strategerie (it’s a real word, even if spellchecker disagrees) was discussed, and introductions made; the pack was off towards the glitzy shops on Armitage. Recently named HOOSIER DADDY (the hasher formerly known as JUST ROB) and THE ENEMA CANAL quickly took the lead and followed the trail down some alleyways.
As always for the FRBs, it wasn’t too long until they started running into Splits and Checks and falling further and further back due to poor decision making skills (intelligence is not a pre-requisite for hashing). THE PORCELAIN GOD (formerly JUST BRIAN) and JUST I LEAN started to move into the lead, especially when ENEMA followed JUST TIM down some extremely long and extremely wrong shortcuts (apparently common sense is not a pre-requisite either).
WRAPPER SNATCHER obviously felt that the rest of the pack was screwing up as she started issuing orders to the pack.
[NOTE: Read the next line in a high pitched voice.]
“I can’t run the check, I’ll die. You go check it,” (add laughter, the giggling kind) she ordered sending ENEMA down a false trail..
[NOTE, NOTE: Okay that was very good, but you didn’t have to read it out loud. I mean just look around, people are staring, aren’t they? Now would be a good time for an awkward laugh.]
No one was immune to her demands and I’m sure she sent SIR POOPS A LOT and JUST STEVE on similar geese chases. We’re lucky we didn’t have to carry her to the Beer Stop at Oz Park.
At the Beer Stop the fatigue started to affect everyone. Remarkably, it seemed as if MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SALTY GASH weren’t winded the slightest bit. Along with them was CHICKEN STIFFER who had gone through a lot of trouble to transfer Summer Moon to MGD Light cans and then painstakingly reweld the mouths shut. JUST JODY showed up a few minutes later after running with another running-influenced group(Et tu, JODY?) It wasn’t long until the cold got to everyone with CUMA SLUTRA giving head to THE ENEMA CANAL without him ever asking (which is also a pre-requisite…No?…Honestly it is, I believe it is in Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing…Look it up).
[NOTE X 3: As of this posting there is no Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing because the paper that was supposed to be used to print it out was accidently used to make POP registration forms and origami cranes.]
At the On-In we were greeted by TOO MUCH HEAD (not possible but still great to be greeted with) and MT. SCHWIIINGA . Prior to starting the circle, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED attempted to get CHICKEN to delay because CALVIN KLEIN was cuming. Rather than wait, we proceeded with CHICKEN Co-RAing with EZ ON THE ASS which lasted all of about 15 minutes. It wasn’t long until CHICKEN called JUST I LEAN and THE ENEMA CANAL in the circle for being the FRBs, only to screw up “They’re the Racists” and then forget to make the FRBs drink for their original offense. It was at this point CALVIN showed up.
So let’s try this again. CUMA SLUTRA was called for feeding a parking meter with a sticker displaying “MON-SAT; 9AM-6PM.” WRAPPER SNATCHER was called into the circle for using a vessel smaller than a shot glass and was required to finish off the remnants of a pitcher. WRAPPER SNATCHER and ENEMA also received their Swiss Army CH3 10th Run Combination Whistle/Can Opener/Lanyard.
Okay this is where things get a little fuzzy. Apparently at some point during all of this craziness and debauchery the bar ran out of LaBatts (No!) and forced us to drink $5 pitchers of Harp and Blue Moon (Oh…Darn). This was the most likely reason for the strange display from ENEMA who broke down in a fit of laughter during the Scooby version of “Swing Low.” Obviously, CALVIN had no choice but to temporarily close the circle while the kennel decided on the names for JUST ROB, JUST STEVE and JUST BRIAN. JUST STEVE keeps his amateur status for now but we now have HOOSIER DADDY and THE PORCELAIN GOD.
HARES (2) – Bag Squeezer and Chicken Stiffer
FRBs/FBIs (3) – Just I Lean, The Enema Canal , and Cuma Slutra
DFL (1) – Just Jody
PERMANENT VISITOR (1) – More Tail from Boston HHH
NAMED (2) – Just Brian is The Porcelain God; Just Rob is Hoosier Daddy
THE PACK (8) – Just Tim, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Steve, Salty Gash, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean
LATE ONES (9) – Just Allison, Super Stuf’her, No Penetration, It’s Too Soft, Too Much Head, EZ On The Ass, Mt. Schwiiinga , Batteries Not Included, and Calvin Klein
________
Hare(s): Bag Squeezer
Venue: THE BEAUMONT – 2020 N. Halsted (Armitage & Halsted)
Hash Cash: Still only a mere pittance of $8 despite Microsoft withdrawing its buyout offer for Yahoo! causing the hash’s extensive portfolio of long position Yahoo! derivatives to crash & burn like Boner getting shot down by chicks in a bar.
OMG - you can tell Summer is coming when we start hashing out of The Beaumont again!! Think lots of great pitcher and food specials and a bar with a 4am license!
Voted "BEST HASH BAR" in the 2008 elections – The Beaumont is one of the only places where the hash simply couldn’t drink all the beer from the hash cash!!
Located conveniently in the heart of the Lincoln Park/Lakeview "Green Zone" it’s also convenient to public transportation which you may well need after hashing here!
Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln the Park/Lakeview "Green Zone": Red Line to Fullerton, Brown Line to Armitage, hoof it East on Armitage to Halsted and the bar is just around the corner. Or just walk a few blocks from home.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Western, Armitage #73 Bus East to Halsted and just North to da bar. Note the Armitage bus stops running around 8pm so you’ll need to take the Fullerton #74 bus back to Sadr City.
Driving
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Armitage & Halsted. Parking is a little rough as most of the main streets are meter spots and side streets are Resident Zone 143 Permit only. Webster is a good bet as is Halsted further North. You can also park in Lincoln Park high school’s lot but make sure you’re out of there before 10pm or you’ll be cabbing it to Cabrini Green to spring your sled from Lincoln Towing.
Tale of the Trail – Chicago #1543 5.5.08 – Polish Constitution Day @ Czerwone Jabluszko (AKA Red Apple)
Buffet Does Not Trump Ceremony
By The Enema Canal
Horny Planet
Hashed Cinco de Mayo 2008, 7:00 PM
Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple) at 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave.
CHICAGO #1543 – Despite the actual date of the Polish Constitution Day being 2 days earlier, Polonian pride was still overflowing and ready for a little run. Virgin Banger and our well mustachioed 69-Cent Man were responsible for laying the scenic trails throughout. Due to the nature of the establishment that we were to have the On-In in, it was decided that we would all stand in front of the Red Apple like the remnants of a poorly planned Polish pride parade. As evidence of the poor planning 3 X A Lady and Just Amanda showed up in red but non-Polish attire and I Like Dick forgot that China is not even on the same continent as Poland. This contrasted with Chicken Stiffer who wore the Polish flag like a cape and Just Brian with his “Kiss Me, I’m Polish” shirt.
After a brief, actually let’s make that long since we had to go through over 30 names, introduction we finally got on our way heading Northwest (or was it Southeast?) Regardless, the usual cast of FRBs, Uploader and The Great Lochness Cockster, were leading around the pack with a gaggle of hopelessly confused virgins; Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert. Once we wandered away from Milwaukee and started running through some of the more residential areas, Uploader and The Enema Canal started to figure out the hares’ tricks and started running on opposite sides of the streets to catch the Back Checks early.
All was well until we came upon a check that got the pack lost for a good while. At first the pack decided to go left and was unable to find a third mark, then they did a 180 and went down the other way to find 2 marks. On the way back we picked up Bloody Thighs and found the true trail which lead us just around a couple of corner to the Beer Stop. Gathered on the front porch we all helped finish the cans of Okocim and pose for the Polish version of It’s Too Soft with his digital Fujifilm disposable camera (can’t wait for the pictures). Before leaving we were told of another photo op just down the trail. About this time we finally picked up R-Tard-E, Cums On I Lean, and Just I Lean who happened to just show up.
Our next photo op took us near the house filmed in “Stir of Echoes” starring Kevin Bacon. This of course now means we are now 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (If we were in the movie we would be moved up to 1 degree of separation). It also means we are famous (if you don’t believe me, then why are we in the Redeye, hmmmm?) However, we have no photographic proof that any of us passed by the house, what we do have is a picture in front of the doors of the Saint Hyacinth Basilica (4 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon). With the Fujifilm disposable reaching its memory card capacity, we all headed back to the Red Apple to kill the keg.
Inside the Red Apple, Just Tim and I Like Dick lost their minds and decided that they were too hungry to wait for the circle. As Dick said “I just thought with the buffett…….blah blah blah.” Get in the circle. Just Steve showed up a bit later because he was helped by his physical training program which means he’s cheating on us. A little later he was followed by EZ On The Ass who showed up for the wrong holiday who was wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache. I mention again that everyone’s facial hair paled in comparison to 69-Cent Man’s mustache, who will likely win at the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships in Alaska. We also welcomed many virgins but the most memorable one was none other than Just Allison who answered Calvin’s question of “favorite barnyard animal?” was none other than “To eat or to ride?” Before the evening was over, It’s Too Soft showed up to help kill the keg by 10PM.
HARES (2): 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger
VIRGIN TERRITORY (5): Just Allison, Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert
VISITOR (1): More Tail Boston H3
THE USUAL SUSPECTS (33): Just Brian, Just Rob, Uploader, 3 X A Lady , The Enema Canal, Puke Suit Riot, Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Joan, Just Mark , Just Angelle, Two Tickets To A Pair Of Thighs, 867-5309, Bag Squeezer, Just Tim, Calvin Klein, Takes Too Long To Cum, Rent A Virgin, Menage A Twat, No Penetration, The Great Lochness Cockster, Just Art, Just Joe, Risky Business, Sir Poops A Lot, Back Door Out Switch, Just Amanda, I Like Dick, Bloody Thighs, Polish Reporter, Wrapper Snatcher,and Lower Whackoff
THE LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, and R-Tard-E
THE REALLY LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): EZ On The Ass, Just Steve, and It’s Too Soft
Call it a wild guess but I think these hashers are having fun! Left to right is Enema Canal, our fearless Just Amanda and next week’s hare Bag Squeezer! How ’bout that for an all-star lineup!
Hare(s): $.69 Man & Virgin Banger
Venue: Czerwone Jabluszko (AKA Red Apple), 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave., Chicago, 60618. The parking lot in the back is very small, so plan on street parking.
Hash Cash: $12, includes more Okocim beer than you can shake a stick at and the restaurant’s wonderful Polish buffet. Out at 7pm SHARPBEER: Keg of Okocim beer, as usual, will be provided by the Stanley Stawski Distributing Co., www.stawskidistributing.com . Just remember that Okocim has a high alcohol content, so if you guzzle this like Miller Lite or water, you will get drunk.
DRESS: Wear an Okocim, or other Polish shirt (provided that it is not from a non-Stawski Polish beer). Perhaps we will get more shirts this year.
Trivia time-out: if you are on the south side of George St., the first house east of St. Hyacinth Basilica (with the large statue of Pope JP2), is the one used in the movie "Stir of Echoes."
Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Belmont, Belmont #77 bus to Hamlin (just before Milwaukee) hoof it South on Hamlin to Milwaukee and turn left (SE) about 1/2 block to da bar.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Belmont. Cut 1/2 block South to Barry and either hoof it like six blocks West to Milwaukee or hop the aforementioned Belmont #77 bus to Hamlin, as described above, if you’re in a lazy kinda mood.
Driving
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to just SE of Belmont & Milwaukee. Parking is ludicrously plentiful in Avondale and you may even be able to score a space in the restaurant’s lot out back. As Milwaukee is a diagonal street, the lot is kinda oddly-shaped in a sorta trapezoidal way.
